Apparently, “over-the-counter medication” doesn’t mean climbing over the counter at the pharmacy and helping yourself.
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Neighbor’s rooster hacks & crows like he’s been a lifelong smoker
A buddy gave me some of his pee in a jar so I could pass a drug screen. I failed, which is weird, cause I drank ALL of it.
Me: Maybe I’ll go out tonight
Depression: No, you will cry yourself to sleep instead
Anxiety: It’s my turn and I want you to have a full blown panic attack
Stress Eating: Guys, let’s play together
Twister but it’s just me trying to get out of bed after our son, daughter, dog, cat, 2 blankets, 5 stuffed animals and a light saber found their way into it
WORST THINGS THAT CAN HAPPEN WHILE SKYDIVING
4. Parachute fails
3. Eagle pecks your eyes out
2. You see your house from the sky & notice your parents making love in the garden
1. You’re blown off course & land at a friend’s wedding you said you couldn’t attend because you’re ill
EARTH: hey there buddy why so sad?
ME: climate change is ravaging human existence with endless waves of disaster
EARTH: great just checking
Sometimes my southern accent sneaks out. Like just today I meant to say “You all” and instead I had sex with my cousin.
“But I can’t conquer China, it’s way too big…”
Now Genghis, what do I always say?
*Sighs*
“I’m Genghis Khan, not Genghis Khan’t”
Told my wife “I’m not mad, I’m disappointed” and now she’s not mad, she’s furious.
I’m still waiting for the chicken pot pie I cooked last weekend to cool down.
Why the plus or minus on the pregnancy test, ept? How about a simple yes or no and we’ll decide if that’s positive or negative.
Jesus needed to sleep in a cave for 3 days and he didn’t even have kids
Don’t be so critical of the human race. This is the first time we’ve destroyed a planet.
My kids have a lot of toy dustpans, considering how little they actually help me clean
why isn’t there a shovelling event in the winter olympics
My 8-year-old son told me my veins on the back of my legs are looking better, thus showing me he really knows how to compliment a woman.
walk up to the mightiest oak in the forest and punch it. now laugh as you climb into its branches to let the other trees know you’re insane
Proper labeling of axes is absolutely crucial.
[first date]
HER: So, do you have a 5 year plan?
ME: Yes. Well, the beginnings of one.
HER: How far have you gotten?
ME: I’ve decided what I want for dinner.
Relationship status: I’m about to go put on my camouflage pants so my family can’t find me on the couch.
Food puns are my love language
…what, they make me corny.
Sometimes I think about the time I ditched school and hitchhiked and got picked up by a substitute teacher.
Dispatch: 911 what’s your emergency
Me: I’m being held prisoner
Dispatch: Do they have weapons?
Me: Just nerf guns and toy swords
Dispatch: Umm ok
Me: They won’t stop eating my snacks
Dispatch: Ma’am, is it your children
Me: …….Maybe.
Dispatch: 5th one today
“Catch me if you can, officer.”
*Seductively winks.*screams as police dog takes me down.
My wife got this cool remote start thing that starts the car when cold, turns up the heat, fills it with gas
It’s me, I’m the remote start.
when you’re supposed to be in bed but the grown-ups’ dinner party is too loud
I’m taking my niece and nephew to the corn maze today. If I can’t lose them there, I’ll try the mall again.
I hate it when candidates put signs on your lawn without even asking your permission.
Who the hell is ‘Foreclosure’?
My GF left me because she said I lied about stupid things. I was so upset I ate a car park 🙁
[Describing guy who just mugged me to sketch artist]
“He was literally kermit the frog”