Shoutout to all the guests at my wedding that forever held their peace……WHAT THE HELL DID I EVER DO TO YOU?!?!
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the abolition of the 140 character limit and the advent of threads are responsible for the current state of this website. turned what was mostly cute little quips into constant insufferable bloviating posts like this one
Don’t cry because it’s over smile because you had a solid alibi & no one will ever find the body.
me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that
Whoever invented popcorn deserves the Medal of Honor for not panicking after the first 45 seconds.
[Vegan Conference]
Announcer: While we await our key speaker, please talk among yourselves
Vegan: I’m a vegan
Vegan2: I’m also a vegan
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
Trying to train my kids to leave 15 minutes early whenever I have to drive them somewhere. Not because I want them to be early, but because I want Starbucks.
Kidnapper: We have your wife.
Me: You sonofa-it was HER turn to cook dinner for the kids tonight!
they smoked a joint and
overthrew the government.
now that’s a high coup
*uses Mr. Clean magic eraser to wipe off your drawn on eyebrows*
FINALS TIP: Create a reward system to help you study. For example, if you spend 1 hour studying, reward yourself with 72 hours of Netflix.
I ordered a toilet seat from Amazon and now based on the ads I see they must think I have an insatiable toilet seat addiction
Discovered that my wife can talk to me THROUGH THE SPEAKERS OF MY NEW CAR so I’m returning it.
Batman cuts off a seemingly innocuous driver in the Batmobile, only to deal with the driver later, with the help of Superman #ChangingBanes
My life has been so screwed up when there was supposed to be a fork in the road I found a spoon.
I’m not here to offend anyone; I’m here to offend everyone.
Remember that the most popular man in the village was its idiot.
me: return of the mack.
cashier: receipt of the mack?
me sitting in the theater waiting for the batman to start
Just threw a ghost boomerang. That’s gonna come back to haunt me.
Marriage is about understanding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically.
Me: I’d like to adopt that baby.
Clerk: Sir, that’s a family sized
platter of Super Nachos.
for someone that hates being touched, i sure do have a lot of kids.
To everyone who wrote “stay cool” in my middle school year book…I have some devastating news
This selfie angle isn’t to make me look thin, it’s so you can check me for lice
“did you ever get married?”
[wife looks around her old gym at high school reunion and sees me debating if I can touch the rim] no
My ex did that thing where if I made a joke, he’d repeat it louder & try to take credit for it. So I started sharing incorrect facts with him which he’d blindly believe & repeat to others. He tried to convince his boss that tofu was made from recycled erasers. His boss was vegan.
Ghost hunters use special cameras made specifically for taking soulfies.
If it’s dark enough in the club, you can get away with using Monopoly money for a surprising amount of time before being thrown out.
Avoid talking politics at Thanksgiving this year by getting a sweet neck tattoo the day before