My sensitive skin moisturizer is sulking again
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My kids made a mess this morning pretending to be leprechauns. They don’t know it yet, but after school they get to pretend to be janitors.
Psychiatrist: You saw a doctor before me?
Me: Yes.
Psychiatrist: What was their diagnosis?
Me: ᵐᵘˡᵗⁱᵖˡᵉ ᵖᵉʳˢᵒⁿᵃˡⁱᵗʸ ᵈⁱˢᵒʳᵈᵉʳ
Psychiatrist: Excuse me?
Me: HE SAID MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER.
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
Receives a compliment
Me: no sorry we don’t do that here
[ice cream parlor]
WIFE: I’ll have two scoops of vanilla
ME: me too, u could say I want an
WIFE AND CLERK: please don’t
ME: ice cream clone
As a young child my mom told me I could be anything I wanted to be. It turns out that the police call this identity theft.
“do you know why I pulled one over on you?”
becau- wait what?
“I’m not a real cop lol”
haha nice!
*pulls gun* “I am taking your car though”
Gemini: You may find yourself wondering if you’re dreaming or not. A simple test is to punch a cop in the face.
If you love something, set it free.
If it returns, it probably can’t pay its student loans.
NSFW tweet
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Unionize your workplace
[teaching teen to drive]
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment for a long time, sweetie.
Teen: Shouldn’t you be sitting in the passenger seat?
Me: No, this seat is better. *begins kicking her seat*
I missed a call from my mom, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.
Wife: I had a terrible night’s sleep. Tossed and turned. Couldn’t get comfortable. It’s only 6 AM and I’m in such a horrible mood already. How did you sleep?
Me [who slept 8 straight hours and didn’t get up once to pee]: Same.
Tear gas is the saddest gas.
me: thanks for explaining what a plethora is
her: ur welcome
me: it really means a lot
Elton John: 🎵Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday🎵
Me: Jesus Christ, we’re just going bowling.
Him: I bet she’s thinking about other guys
Me, deep in thought: I am personally offended that 7 tortilla chips is a serving size
Interviewer: Is it true you are the first duck to be made a duke?
Duck: Please address me as ‘M’llard’
[clown cleaning shower]
MRS CLOWN: Don’t forget to remove the hair from the drain.
[clown just keeps pulling long multi-coloured hair out]
Absolute genius if you ask me 👌🤣
My class teacher once said “Write and Practice.” Turns out she was right. I practiced on my desk just before I started my exam and it worked
Annoying my husband while he watches Star Trek: “Why does everyone in the future wear upholstery fabrics?”
A kid in the park informed me smoking was bad for you.
So I popped his balloon with my cigarette & told him so was talking to strangers.
The Mayan calendar didn’t end in 2012, they just sold the calendar technology to a billionaire from another continent who promised to make it “better”
Me: *To my 5YO* Can I have your Twix? Those were my favorite at your age.
5YO: They used to make Twix when the world first started?
I think my girlfriend is a serial killer you guys…she wakes up and makes the bed in the morning
Congrats to everyone who just got cast in the new Star Wars movie. The film industry is telling you they think you look like an alien.
It’s so obvious that she wants me. She avoids me at all costs probably because her feelings are so strong for me.
Yeah, I’ll go with that.
Fun prank:
1. Steal your married friends phone
2. Change your name to ‘Brandi from the club’
3. Call repeatedly at 3AM and hang up