*gives you dictionary for your birthday*
wow.. i don’t know what to say
“that’s why i bought it for you”
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6km run followed by a blueberry muffin for breakfast… life is all about balance people! 😆
*shakes brain like an Etch-A-Sketch*
Today on House Hunters, we’ll attempt to entangle Hugh Laurie in a giant net.
when you gotta take the souls of the damned to the underworld, but need to reduce your carbon footprint
computer simulation of what the punisher skull looked like when alive
I’m sorry, I’m going to have to cancel, I’m completely snowed in
Why did they call it a diaper blowout and not a shituation.
the last time i went hiking i almost passed out from holding my breath as i passed a group of much more fit hikers so they wouldn’t hear how i was truly fighting for my life walking up the hill at the beginning of the trail.
I just ordered an iced coffee, black, with cream and sugar. Follow me for more just sheer stupidity.
[gun shop]
ME: Does this gun come with a nuclear warhead?
CLERK: Haha no that’s illegal
ME: Ok
CLERK: You can buy the warhead separately
My mailman is scared of me because I’m always doing handstands on my porch when he comes by and I sometimes chase him around a little
How do you row a canoe filled with puppies?
Bring out the doggy paddle
You: I’m so hard on myself.
People on the internet: Hold my beer.
Liverpool sounds like the most disgusting place in the world to hold a swim meet.
This Venn guy was sure bad at drawing circles next to each other
When I say the word ‘laboratory’ I quietly say it like a mad scientist in my head: la-bore-ra-tori
A guy at work forges as a hobby and it took me almost a year before I realized that he wasn’t saying he was foraging on the weekend
[dark movie theater]
me: *opens soda can*
them:
me: *opens then starts loudly crunching corn nuts*
them: Shhhh
me: *pulls out cast iron with sizzling fajitas*
[approaches group of male coworkers talking about the superbowl]
man oh man I can’t wait to watch the
[looks at left palm]
rams & the patriots play
[looks at right palm]
football
This idea is the best gift I’ve ever given myself
cashier: would you like a receipt?
me: . o O (if someone is being murdered right now it would be my alibi but if someone gets murdered in the store they could pin it on me)
cashier: well?
me: I want to talk to a lawyer
Salesperson: What a cute service dog! How does he help you?
Me: Pete, purse!
*Pete pees on Louis Vuitton
Me: I’ll take it for 50% off
I wish I was █████████ enough to be redacted.
your quarterback name is your grandfather’s first name and the last thing you did mine’s Dom Paintwall. ok you go
Moms are dying for the day they build a daycare inside a spa inside a Xanax factory inside a vineyard.
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear.
CLERK: Satin?
ME: No, new please.
Which essential oil is best for getting people to stop talking to you
So many Jehovah’s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah’s Evidence.
[God creating chihuahuas]
“Scare that rat into an identity crisis”