me: i want to save this document
computer: great, just click save
me: ok i want to save it as something else
computer: easy, save as
me: amazing! i’m gonna save it as a pdf
computer: print
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I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion and also I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion.
Hungover? Hydrate. Anxious? Hydrate. Want to advance Satan’s agenda here on Earth? Hydrate.
Remember when “anyone can grow up to be President” was aspirational, not an existential threat?
Life advice: If someone ever tells you “I’ll be there in thirty minutes”, you should ALWAYS respond with “You’ve got twenty” and hang up.
So maybe downloading the ruler app to measure the snow wasn’t such a great idea
In conclusion, members of the board, I’m sorry I brought the wrong USB, & thank you for your feigned interest in my sesame street PowerPoint
i’d like to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by the grand canyon
Are there people that are so into beating dead horses that we had to create an idiom to discourage them from doing so?
I should have peed before I left and other things I’ll never learn: A memoir
Read that again implies that I read it a first time, which I most certaintly did not.
Five parrots separated at British zoo after they wouldn’t stop swearing at guests
aliens are gonna be super confused when they show up threatening to overthrow our leaders and we’re all stoked and offer to help.
Melo: “What I gotta do to get signed?”
NBA:
nobody needs to go to school for code. if your code doesnt work just keep putting } at the end until it works
triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture
WHAT DO WE WANT?
AN END TO AUTO-CORRECT ERRORS!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
COW!!!!
Back on campus for the new semester and a younger fellow student asked me what I teach
I thought about poking him in the eye and saying “a lesson”
Customize Your Wedding.
A taser but for people who say “it is what it is”.
Her: “Add insult to injury why don’t you”
Me: “Your broken leg looks fat in that cast”
me: I quit my job as a waiter
wife: what? how will you keep putting food on our table?
me: *scoff* I remember my training, linda
Inspirational Tweet:
Found the sock gone missing 7 weeks ago in today’s clean laundry.
Sometimes they come back, people. Keep the faith.
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
professor x: what’s your power?
jk rowling: i can rewrite the past of fictional characters
gay professor x : interesting
You should ask her if she gained weight. That way she knows you’re paying attention to her.
5-year-old: I’ll stop asking you to take our family to Disneyland
Me: You finally understand we can’t afford it
5: You should just send me
Depression ads overestimate my need to hike.
i’m so bad at rock-paper-scissors, last time i accidently joined a street gang.
I broke a tooth eating a carrot. I’ve never broken a tooth while eating a donut.
Larry Hagman- dreams of Jeannie
Larry Hangman- d_ea_s _f _ea_ _ie