My first subtweet was in the 3rd grade when I added extra glitter to Nathan’s Valentine.
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You could murder someone in California and they wouldn’t even arrest you as long as you properly composted the body.
I think I’ll make spicy masala mixture for a curry to serve alongside some naan bread and chai tea, in other words:
spicy spicy mix mix with bread bread and tea tea
How much for the Ice Cream Scoop?
Ma’am, that’s a Shovel.
People who copy and paste jokes from facebook are idiots…
A few seconds ago • Comment • Like
7-year-old: I found a penny.
Me: Good job.
7: How many more do I need for college?
Being popular on Facebook is like being the smartest kid in summer school.
I’ve reached the age where people talk loudly and slowly to me.
Boss: hey greg meet your new coworker please don’t accuse him of being a dinosaur
me: I won’t I’m not an idiot
Coworker: hey nice to meet u I’m Ptery
me: *eyes narrow*
Jail
[parking lot]
ME: *hits car backing up*
Guy: *yells out window* HAVE YOU ALWAYS BEEN THIS BIG OF AN IDIOT?!
Me: *yells back* NO! I USED TO WEIGH MUCH LESS!
her: you seem really upset, what’s up?
me: [thinking about how many people died before cinnamon toast crunch was invented and will never know what it tastes like] uh just work stuff i guess
I’m experimenting with how many apples I need to eat a day to keep EVERYONE away, whatever their profession.
*sees hot guy
*wiggles eyebrows
*licks lips
*winks, contact lens falls into coffee, sips coffee, gags on contact lens*mouths* “call me”
If a tree falls in the woods it should break into a light jog so it looks like it did it on purpose.
Noah build an ark
“what? why”
I’m gunna flood the earth
“just give me fish powers”
[jealous he didn’t think of that] JUST DO WHAT I SAY!
My 5-year-old, “can I say bad words in my brain.” I said yes. She’s just standing there with the biggest smile. Pretty sure she’s saying bad words.
I spent a good portion of today sitting in a Snuggie watching Cops. Eventually, they told me to go home and put on pants.
I took my 4yo to the playground for the first time in months and based on what I’m seeing I think they’re teaching parkour in kindergarten these days
*checks WebMD*
Holy crap, I need an ambulance!
*checks insurance deductible*
Nevermind, I’ll just take a vitamin or something.
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
Pete Davidson would have stole Helen Of Troy from both those mfs.
HER: *making sexy eyes* did you just get back from the gym
ME: *sweating and out of breath from carrying groceries up the stairs* yes
Sephora employee: Congratulations! You have 100,000 points. You can choose 3 of the following.
My husband and I are celebrating our “porcelain” anniversary in a few days. Sounds like someone is getting a new toilet this year.
*sitting in the dark at the kitchen table waiting for my wife*
Hello Karen. Maybe you’d like to tell me who used all my essential oils
hugh grant wants no part of this dumb shit
4-year-old: My friend said when it rains, that’s God crying.
Me: I don’t know about that.
4: Is God sad because you smell like feet?
Reasons I put my kids to bed on time:
3) They need their rest.
2) Routine is important.
1) “Game of Thrones” is on.
my therapist gave me her cell phone number.
and I’m supposed to be the crazy one.
Got kicked out of the flat earth bar for offering to buy everyone a round.