*loudly introduces everyone to the elephant in the room
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Thanks to everyone who said nothing while I walked around with my zipper down all morning.
Questions like, “Could you survive a cannon blast, dad?” keep my son up at night. Follow up comments like, “I guess we’ll have to wait and see,” keep me up at night.
I went out of town for a few days and came home to my dog who seems to want to have a word with me about it.
*Remembering the time I took a picture of myself every day for a year without removing the lens cap*
I’m not making that mistake again.
Gin: Wrong.
*waters flowers*
*flowers die**sprays weeds with poison*
*weeds mutate, quadruple in size, grow 3 heads, and start speaking in tongues*
I am *this* close to adopting a bunch of cats and opening a bed & breakfast called HairBnB.
[Starbucks]
Excuse me, this isn’t what I ordered.“You ordered a Grande.”
Yes, but this is Ariana Grande.
“Sir, please just take her.”
Sorry I didn’t want to hold YOUR baby because I was holding MY baby
*Sips Margarita
Dinner Party
Hostess: How much of this would you like?
Me eyeing the platter suspiciously: just one clump please.
I like to put a banana in each pocket just to confuse people.
people who do mutinies should be called mutants
Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
*puts hand over phone*
-what was it again?
Daughter: Boogeritis.
*to phone*
It’s Boogeritis.
Someone asked me what role I would play in a zombie apocalypse and I’d love to say I’d be some heroic zombie slayer but in my heart I know I’m the guy who gets bit and lies to everyone about it
Effort made
ME: [whispering]”Yes, 911? Someone’s breaking into my house!”
911: Stay calm. Do you have an address?
ME: “um no. I have on pajamas”
8yo: What does Dad do for work?
Me: Why don’t you ask him?
8yo: He told me to ask you.
Me: Well played. Well. Played.
My fingers are still red from the one Hot Cheeto I ate 17 years ago.
My 5-year-old, “can I say bad words in my brain.” I said yes. She’s just standing there with the biggest smile. Pretty sure she’s saying bad words.
When you drive, be careful to look out for bikes. Sometimes they’re unchained so you can pull over and just take them.
With the right person, there is no such thing as inappropriate behavior.
I’m pretty sure these people at the next table are talking about how paranoid I am.
*kneels to pray*
“Hello, God?”
“YOU’VE REACHED CUSTOMER SUPPORT.”
“Who is this?”
“MY NAME IS BRAD.”
“Are you in Heaven, Brad?”
“NO, INDIA.”
I have never “lit up a room” unless you count arson.
Maybe if wommen’s uteroids weren’t such powerful mystery-swamps, the GOP wouldn’t have to police them with #light & #K9 units.
* Dalai Lama goes on killing spree after listening to my coworker eat soup *
NASA has no chill
Stay in milk
Brush your school
Drink your teeth
Don’t do sleep
And get eight hours of drugs
Me: I’m going to get some of those Ample Bottom jeans that were all the trend back in 2010
My daughter: mom. It’s Apple Bottom jeans.
Me (glancing backwards): nah. I was right the first time.
Remember they’re just as afraid of seeing you dance as you are of dancing.