me: *having prostate examination*
doc: omg, when was this last wiped?
me: WHAT
doc: *pointing to dust on table* i must speak to the cleaning lady
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them: hold your horses
me: *immediately drops one*
*falls down several flights of stairs, breaking multiple bones*
ME: *into headset mic* I’m in
CIVIL ENGINEER: ok let’s build stuff.
UNCIVIL ENGINEER: *smashes popsicle stick bridge*
*slips cheat map to my favorite nephew for the annual Easter egg hunt* Now remember, I get half the take.
I think we figured out which one was Destiny’s child.
My living will specifies that if I’m ever on life support nobody pulls the plug until I reach my goal weight
Me: If Obi-Wan’s clothes remained after Vader killed him, then why wasn’t ghost Obi-Wan naked?
My date: [to waiter] Check, please.
[at parent-teacher night]
Teacher:*looking at my coffee tumbler*
I see you’re a coffee enthusiast, tooMe: Coffee? Oh…yeah, coffee*wink*
People give a detailed description to a police sketch artist after seeing someone for only a few seconds.
Meanwhile I’m 65% sure my wife has green eyes.
In Flo-Rida’s song “Low” he states that Shawty is wearing the apple bottom jeans, the boots with the fur AND the Reeboks with the straps, what is she some kind of four legged morph woman? In all honesty I’m not surprised the whole club is looking at her
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A NAP!!
THEN WHY ARE WE YELLING?
robber: empty the register now
me: sir this is a motel
robber: hurry up
me: ok *opens binder, starts erasing names*
me: i’d sell my soul for clear skin.
dermatologist: drink more water.
me: [glaring] i SAID i’d sell my SOUL for clear skin
No one has ever had more confidence in me than the waiter who just gave me one napkin with my lunch
Seize the day. Attack the week. Murder the month. Approach your life in a generally violent way.
“She loves me not…”
: Picks last petal :
“She LOVES ME!”Flower: “…NOT! LOL nerd”
: Whips out hidden petal shaped like middle finger :
13- My hormones are coming in!
Me- What?
13- My chin is growing hairs like you
Billion dollar technology idea:
A printer that works
Sure I have empathy. I sense you want some of my coffee and I feel really terrible for you.
USA is broken. Can we use USB now? 馃
Red light : Stop
Yellow light : Proceed w/ caution
Green light : Wait till everyone hates you then go
People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet,here you are”
I forgot to bring my bags to the grocery store, people looked at me like I drove there on an aerosol can, then slit a baby seal’s throat.
*steps on Lego*
*stumbles backwards and trips over more Legos*
*throws all Legos away*
*Grandparents buy more Legos for Christmas*
I was kicked out of mime school once. I hadn’t put the safety lock on and my finger guns went off. The whole class took cover in their boxes
“Honey, did you leave your tools out in the backyard?”
*sounds of sawing*
Oh no
*backyard is filled with dads building a deck*
Get the hose
[at a boat store]
Salesperson: Can i help you?
Me: (acting like I know what I鈥檓 doing) yes, I鈥檇 like to see your models that float please.
Neighbour mowed his lawn at 6am… Logic dictates that I should get drunk in the backyard tonight and try to learn to play the didgeridoo.
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.