after a certain point in life the “walk of shame” is about a plunger
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Heaven is like arriving at Disneyland. Hell is like still being at Disneyland three weeks later.
my dream is being pitted against the world’s greatest AI in a writing contest and crafting a story that’s so beautiful that I make the computer cry…
can’t believe how far my ex is going to make me jealous. moving away, not talking to me for 10 years, getting married. nice try, idiot. it’s so obvious
i hope this email finds you fast and furious
Let’s be honest, you don’t ”watch” tv, you use it as a backround echo creating machine like the rest of us
I met my wife through a mutual friend. Despite being together for 18 years, married for 14, in my head sometimes I still refer to her as “Alan’s friend”.
me: i won employee of the month
her: ur self-employed
me:
her:
me: i also got demoted
my kid had her whole class make birthday cards for her dog who celebrated his birthday yesterday.
we don’t have a dog.
Of course I’m paying attention, I’m just following the floaters on my eyeballs. Keep talking.
*In church
9: [Whispers] Why do we have to keep sitting & standing and sitting & standing…
Me: [Whispers] So we don’t fall asleep
9: oh
A Vampire Bat is easy to spot due to its funny accent and little silk cape
Here’s my thread about the spiders I’ve taken outside
– tonight was Bruce. He was medium sized and fast, but cooperated well 4/5 stars
Me: it’s not about how many times you fall, it’s about how many times you get back up
cop: that’s not how field sobriety tests work
1 margarita: I tell you I love your hair.
2 margaritas: We take a selfie.
3 margaritas: I convince you that your apartment is haunted.
You’re right, teenagers: We don’t know what you’re going through. The rest of us skipped straight from 12 to 20. Best decision we ever made.
Having kids is like living with an on-line troll you can’t unfollow.
Ummm
Salad is being recalled. Do you know what’s never been recalled? Oreos.
Gilmore girls is a fantasy about living in a walkable community
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
After eating this cereal for 30 years I am still neither lucky nor charming.
Me: my point is, if you remove the potatoes from potato salad you aren’t left with salad
Deli Manager:
Me: so what else are you lying about
Your an idiot.
-You’re.
What?
-You’re not your.
But I said it. I didn’t type it. We’re talking.
-Yeah but I heard the typo.
You’re an idiot.
It’s exciting to receive a Valentine’s Day card and not know who it’s from. A Father’s Day card, not so much.
Everyone on the bus thinks that they are the main character, when in reality the main character is the bus
I can’t believe it’s already been 10 zoips since I invented my own system for measuring time.
Her: I like a man who’s loud in bed
Me: *turns on my cpap machine*
Her: Not like that
No mister movie ticket guy that’s not a bag of cheetos in my jacket that’s my enlarged heart for the love of cinema
Sorry, but your kids don’t look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.
give a man a fish, that’s a weird gift. try something cool like a harmonica.