I often message people with the weird idea that they’ll message me back.
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Busting out of a grave like a zombie but I just have to pee real bad.
That if you love them set them free thing, what if they all come back at once
I got a 20% pay rise this year. Not from my employer; they couldn’t afford to give pay rises after the big bosses got their bonuses. I just stopped doing any work on the one day a week I work from home.
I told my kids we get visited by the Easter Chicken because bunnies don’t lay eggs.
“Now you sound ridiculous,” said 8.
Judge: Order in the court
[from the back]
Me: Can I get a large pepperoni pizza with… [puts hand over speaker and looks around] what?
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
Products that are really small are like free samples, right?
I spoke to my doctor and he said, “if you drink every day you are an alcoholic.”
I’m lucky, I only drink every night.
Imagine asking me, “What that mouth do?”
And I say, “Come and find out .”
Now it’s the third hour of you listening to me talk nonstop about bees
Still cleaning up glitter from my 5yo’s school project.
She turns 15 on Sunday.
I like to stop drinking somewhere between “watch this” and “ohhhhhh shit”.
It’s a good thing this pandemic is almost over and we’ll be returning to the office soon because I’m almost out of Post-it Notes at home.
my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they’re back
Opening a smartphone is the new walking into the kitchen.
“Why am I in here again?”
VITAMIN WATER: we’re like water, but with vitamins
ME: which ones
VITAMIN WATER: well sugar is a vitamin
ME: no it’s not
VITAMIN WATER: what about blue
How about a game where Mario gets a job and gets his coins like the rest of us.
Witches’ brews are full of newtrients.
Weird how people say that gay marriage will lead to people marrying dogs, but the 2nd amendment is never gonna give dogs guns.
This kinda thing happens to me often
Life is like a box of chocolates. People repeating the same movie quotes over and over until words have no meaning peanut tambourine ocelot
You think you’ve doing an okay job as a parent, and then you learn your 8 year-old has only been pretending to brush his teeth for two months.
getting a brazilian wax is just getting the rug pulled out from under you
you should be able to pay $2 to ride the luggage carousel at the airport one full revolution. i believe this funding would solve all infrastructure woes in most major american cities. this also would create jobs
🎶 Hummus a tune you’re the falafel man 🎶
I’m really sorry you figured out my tweet was directed squarely at you, person I’ve never interacted with or thought about before.
Mommy, I wrote some notes down in my diarrhea.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
New Tinder profile.
I made a graph showing my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.
wow
Do you guys ever throw blankets over your dogs so there’s little angry ghosts running around your house for a minute?