[Family game night]
Grandma: what are the rules?
Me: omg for the last time, we spin the chamber and take turns shooting ourselves in the head
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me: I saw you kissing santa claus last night
mom: that was actually your father
me: *tearing up* omg does dad know
Fun prank: ONLY explain gay marriage to your kids and then watch other people try to explain their weird straight marriages.
Me: Something is fishy here
Red herring: *acts very casual
[submarine]
captain: why can’t we submerge?!
stowaway jesus: lol
13 year old me: why is my mom texting me?
me now: i’m gonna send my mom a pic of this grass cause it’s super green. I think she’ll like it.
So… counting to ten in between multiple double cheeseburgers DOESN’T count as intermittent fasting?
My toddler just threw her teddy bear out of her crib like she works for United Airlines.
person: want to hold our baby?
me: why
Was that meant to be a joke or did you just accidentally spill a bunch of words you were carrying around?
I told the kids we had 3 of them so we’ve got one to make money, one to marry into it, and whoever’s left gets to change my poopy diapers when I’m done looking after myself. Long story short, they’re now in a race to leave home first.
And that’s how you win at parenting.
[speed dating]
DATE: ding
ME: did u just make the ding sound with ur mouth
DATE: no
ME: we have 4 minutes left
DATE: *louder this time* ding
“Just act natural,” I say to myself as I purchase a spade and two large bags of cement.
Anyone who ever worked at Twitter…
Is now either an ex-employee or an X employee.
Carrot raisin salad. When you want to eat something horrible, 3 times.
I think the ideal solution to my problems would be for me to get tenure. I don’t know exactly what tenure is but I think it could really turn things around for me.
As a kid, I thought Simba was crazy to run after Mufasa was killed.
But, after watching so many true crime docs, I get it. It does look like he lured his dad to that gorge. Witnesses heard him sing “I just can’t wait to be king.”
A good prosecutor could get a conviction with that
My safe word is “insufficient funds”.
My dad could kick ur dads ass!
Um have u seen my dad
Hes a big guy huh?
No really have u seen him? He left when I was 9 & never came back
I poured some root beer in a square glass and now it’s just beer.
I made HUGE surprise plans for my wife’s birthday tonight–dinner, dancing, champagne, the works–but the babysitter just cancelled & now we can’t do anything!
Did that sound believable to you guys? If you were my wife would you suspect, hypothetically, that I didn’t make plans?
[Party]
Her: *Nervous* I don’t know anybody
Him: It’s ok I’ll introduce you *into mic* hailing from Detroit & weighing in at I dunno 180lb
Developer: We have a problem.
Manager: Remember, there are no such things as problems, only opportunities.
Developer: Well then, we have a DDoS opportunity.
MyFitnessPal told me my beer has a lot of vitamin C so I guess I can begin my descent into full blown alcoholism.
The women at the club tonight are so unapproachable. Getting discouraged. Good thing mom is here to tell everyone what a super guy I am.
Getting my second jab today. They’re making me sign a form confirming I’ve been repeatedly told the vaccine won’t allow me to survive being fired from a trebuchet into the tree where the squirrels took my mars bar.
don’t let your artist friends wander off by themselves. you never know what they’ll agree to
ME: does this apartment have a pizza cellar
REALTOR: again, i dont know what that is
Men are really out here thinking that a hike is a good first date. Sir that’s a last date. That’s how people get murdered.
Dear crush,
If there ever comes a day when you no longer find something to eat, I’m still here…
I mean, there’s food in my fridge 😏