Apparently, my superpower is being invisible to bartenders.
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*man choking*
Is there a doc in the house?
*Dr Pepper rises*
*searches man’s pockets*
Hey ur no doctor!
*moustache falls off*
*it’s Mr Pibb*
It took me 15 mins to explain to my 18yo son how to make Minute Rice, in case you were thinking about having kids.
IF YOU CHOOSE NOT TO DECIDE, YOU STILL HAVE MADE A CHOICE is something I like to shout at people who hold up the line at Taco Bell.
7yo son: Mom, can you hand me a tissue so I can blow my nose?
Me: Is it already—
7: It’s already on my finger, yes.
A spider ran across my foot and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in a men’s Target bathroom.
My hair is so strong you can floss your teeth with it
– me flirting
wait.
My kid dropped his apple slices and I asked if he wanted me to help him pick up, he said “no thank you, you can do it by yourself”
Not to brag but my boss gave me a certificate of achievement and he said it’s much more prestigious than a pay raise.
Doctor-requested food diaries suck. Do you know how long it takes to eat a Family Size bag of M&M’s when you have to weigh each one?
Working at McDonald’s at 16 taught me I didn’t want to work at McDonald’s at 17.
I’m ‘confuses systems of measurement’ centimetres old.
[calendar naming committee]
BOSS: how should we spell the second month
GUY WHO SPELLED WEDNESDAY: i have an idea
ME: Wow. This cake you made is really moist.
WIFE: I haven’t baked it yet.
Twitter is kinda like my diary except I don’t use a glitter gel pen or tell you guys how much I miss Josh.
Ancient Man “let’s form a partnership”
Wolves “I dunno. We saw what you do to cows”
Man “Haha, you can trust us” *hides sketch of chihuahua*
-My cat will ONLY drink from a slightly running faucet and she rubs her gums along the side of it.That’s the faucet I brush my teeth from. So basically I’ve made out with my cat.
Therapist: [Puts her pen down. Rubs the bridge of her nose]
They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch, but I’m at Applebee’s & have a dead mouse in my pocket that says otherwise.
Me: *flirts*
Anyone watching:
Just saw a squirrel jump about 15 feet from one tree to another. He is now my new emergency contact.
me: I really can’t stay
him: but, baby it’s-
me: *tail lights*
That awkward moment when mom says 3 is the perfect number of kids to have, but you’re her 4th
My wife never catches me scoping out the hot chick because she’s too busy judging the hot chick.
accidentally put my phone on airplane mode when i was in my car and the tires fell off
Just had a goat’s cheese sandwich. Well, he should have put his name on it.
Me, getting murdered: Those had better not be my fabric scissors, buddy.
Bought two shirts at Kohl’s and according to their calculations I saved $2,750.
*takes my split ends to couples counseling*
8: Dad you’re not spending time with me just cuz you’re getting material for Twitter, right?
Twitter Dad: No I love you, Pete.
Mike: