Me: Hi Gammy.
Her: Do I know you?
Me: When did she get amnesia?
Sister: She doesn’t have amnesia. She owes you money.
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Health Tip:
If you find a pill on the floor of a public restroom, rinse it off before taking it.
Getting caught under your desk and coming up with nothing in your hand is always so hard to explain.
I told my family we’re gonna axe some of our 5 streaming services, and my teens looked at me like I was some kind of murderer.
#ParentingFacts
My friend and I got the number off the pay phone outside the 7-11 you could see from her house and when people would walk by we’d call the phone and whoever had the longest conversation had to buy the other a Slurpee. Let’s just say I got a lot of free Slurpees that summer.
*carpools to work*
Damnit Karen can you just match the windshield wiper setting to the frequency of raindrops
me: so there’s nothing you can do to help?
doctor: no, you’re just going to have to live with it I’m afraid
me: [takes baby] ugh fine
If you don’t stop holding those grudges they’re never going to learn to walk on their own.
came out to my parents (!) and my dad was like, oh that’s nice! i thought you were going to ask for money!
It’s called a “Monte Cristo” sandwich because one day it will return disguised as another sandwich & seek its revenge
“Smell ya later”
-me, to my asparagus
I haven’t cleaned my shower in so long, it’s becoming a terrarium. Absolutely gorgeous.
The washing machine broke so I had to wash my undies in the river. As a bonus, 3 catfish floated to the top afterwards, so dinner is served!
Jack: how’s it going
Beans: pretty good– Jack and the beans talk
Autocorrect completely socks
My patronus is a cheeseburger
[last supper]
Judas: Here, I brought this
Jesus: A bottle of wine? Srsly? I need that like I need a hole in my hand
Judas: *winks at camera*
why in the hell am i in my kitchen right now letting this casserole win?
waiter: can i show you to the table
me: sure
waiter: here he is
table: [unimpressed noises]
I enjoy quaint, old-fashioned customs like being nice to people.
I speak fluent hint. – No man anywhere, ever, never ever
[getting pulled over]
me: *chewing pizza* what’s the problem officer?
cop: it isn’t safe to eat and drive
me: oh I’m sorry
cop: I’ll let you off with a warning
me: thank you so mu- *pineapple chunks fall out of my mouth*
cop: *hand on gun* STEP OUT OF THE VEHICLE
I wrote a movie about Edward Scissorhands serving a court summons to Dwayne Johnson.
It’s titled “Rock Papered by Scissors”
“caramelized” is just a word chefs use if they burn things
caramelized onion
caramelized apple
caramelized todd from HR who tried to diss me
I don’t always trust old people’s stories of the past. Recently an older gentlemen told me that he grew up as one of seven children. And it’s like…come on dude. Even back then there were more kids than that.
If you don’t have your Florida ID with you on voting day, you can always show them a photo of yourself wearing a tank top to a funeral.
Texts “Are you okay?” Blink 3 times. No need to reply.
[on Ferris wheel]
ME: This is going great.
MY DATE: This is so weird.
UBER DRIVER: Let’s get cotton candy next.
“You know what people really want to see? Season after season of a guy drinking his own piss.” – Discovery Channel executive
Welcome to your fifties,
Your bladder is now in charge of all life decisions.