me, preparing for a natural disaster, to my wife: i converted all our money to dimes & nickels
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What’s the difference between a a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos,
a sock takes 5 toes.#SockDay #SundayVibes #RubbishJokes
When I yell the wrong name in bed I blame autocorrect.
Please pray for my friends’ 4-year-old. They found out today 7 minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or videotaped and put on Facebook.
To sell their vehicles one company is featuring a heart felt country ballad, “I’ve got a heart like a truck.” So, if you live in the suburbs do you have a heart like a four door sedan?
Sometimes passing by a nursing home is the only reminder I need to go buy my kids whatever they want.
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.
Delivery!
Mail!
Dog!
Bunny!
A leaf fell!
Wind!
Nothing!
Nothing again!-My dog’s daily announcements
Most people will give you their jacket if you’re naked and tell them you come from the future.
Thunder!
Or did you eat the vending machine egg salad again?
My cousin just announced that he and his wife are pregnant with their second child.
I had a big announcement too, but I guess getting a 24-pack of hot dogs for $2 will just have to wait.
How to paint a live flamingo:
1. Get a live flamingo
2. Paint it
Freak out your neighbors by removing one member of their stick figure decal family each night.
media: how to watch tonight’s super blue moon
me: look up at the sky???
Minister: Should anyone present know of a reason why this couple should not be joined in holy matrimony, speak now, or…
Me: I’m so glad you asked, she still hasn’t returned two of my favorite Tupperware containers.
So tell me, which of my chins is your favorite?
Anyone else rip their mask off when they get in to the car like they’ve just finished a disappointing surgery on Grey’s Anatomy
I asked my 3 year old why she was wearing a bathing suit to dinner as if I’ve never met a toddler before
coconuts are mammals. i know this because they are furry, they produce milk, and make excellent companions
Whenever I utter the word ‘sober’ I wash my mouth out with alcohol.
DATE: this bread is dry. you should talk to the manager
ME: ok *waves over manager*
MANAGER: can I help you?
ME: tell her to shut up about the bread
Sometimes I get bored and try to get random people to read “alpha kenny body” 3 times fast.
Me: Sit.
Dog: (confused dog look)
Me: Stay!
Dog: (continues packing suitcase)
“Only God can judge me”
People who’ve never been to
Whole Foods.
When someone talks about fallen arches I never think of feet.
I assume they’re referring to the decline of the Roman Empire or a freak accident at the local McDonald’s.
I’d joined kids karate to crush them; I hadn’t thought of their strength in numbers. They were piling on like Gremlins. This was happening.
Priest: “We are gathered here today to mourn the passing of-
*looks at the casket suspiciously*
Erwin Schrödinger.”
In my teens: I won’t wear a jacket because they’re not cool.
In my 30’s: I will bring this blanket into the restaurant and be the coziest.
I know I’m not alone but my biggest pet peeve is when one of the residents in my home yells from the kitchen to no one in particular (me), “ARE THE DISHES IN THE DISHWASHER CLEAN OR DIRTY?”
There is a school auction tonight, but I don’t know if I’m ready to buy a whole school