my coworker was wiping a stain off her jacket this morning and was like “never feed a baby in a suit,” and of course my first thought was “who dresses a baby in a suit”
You Might Also Like
March is coming in like a lamb. Slaughtered and roasted with a nice mint sauce, mashed potatoes and seasonal vegetables.
SURE IF YOU LIVE IN THE WOODS THERE IS A NON-ZERO CHANCE YOU WILL BE TORN APART BY SOMETHING BIGGER THAN YOU BUT I CAN GUARANTEE YOU WILL NEVER HAVE TO HEAR ABOUT PODCASTS AGAIN
“That’s an interesting take,” I say not listeningly.
Just punched myself in the face trying to swat away a mosquito. Think I’m officially done with summer. Proceed with the pumpkin spice shit.
Interviewer: tell me where you see yourself in 5 years
Me *makes note in diary* will do
My wife urged me to be more experimental in the bedroom, but I guess she wasn’t expecting I’d be dissecting so many white mice.
The jerk store called. *removes hat* I’m afraid there’s been an accident.
BRUTUS: hail Caesar *draws knife*
CEASAR: not this time *hands Brutus an Uno “reverse” card*
B: SHIT
ROMAN SENATE:*stabs Brutus to death*
Step1) Buy 100 cans of tuna
Step2) Drain the cans into a bucket
Step3) Soak ur cloths in the tuna water
Step4) Go outside & get all the cats
Who called it a volcanic eruption and not a lavalanche?
Aaaaaand…send.
Happy anniversary to the almond at the bottom of my purse.
embarrassed bc i’m walking down the sidewalk and a rat is just like walking next to@me and it looks like we’re together
ME: I got us a penguin!
WIFE: Why would you think I’d want a penguin??
PENGUIN: Maybe not everything is about what you want.
ME: *Points at penguin* That. Yes.
My wife gives the best headache.
I’m so broke right now, I’m gonna have to be renamed, “McDonald’s ice cream machine”.
I wish Bill Clinton would stop pointing his finger at everyone, Lord knows where that finger has been. #DNC #DirtyPoonTang
Work tip: Anytime someone leaves a room, ominously say, “And they never saw him again.”
Pro tip: Sleep and nap with gloves on, so they can’t unlock your iPhone with your fingerprints.
Based on this ideal weight chart, I should be big boned, 3 inches taller, and a man.
Relationship status: just said goodnight to my living room.
Her: Oh, a handsome man like you must be used to compliments.
Me: Yes, but do go on…
Being a billionaire should be illegal unless you’re a talking duck with no pants.
8 wanted to play candy land but I told her I didn’t want to move out of my chair so she played for me & I won 3 out of 4, how can I make life like this
I carry tumbleweed so I can let it roll across the floor during awkward silences.
Married conversation is like regular conversation except you’re both brushing your teeth.
A thief broke into a car and only stole a Kit Kat. Who leaves a Kit Kat in a car unattended?
The teachers could tell my wife & I were embarrassed by our son’s grades when we showed up to conferences with paper bags on our heads.
I wanted to join a street gang when I was a teenager but I failed the dancing audition.
8 just said we should get her mom “something to do with napping” for christmas “because she likes napping” and I’m not sure I’ll be able to protect her through this
“my dad works at Nintendo”
“No he doesn’t ur such a liar”
*Donkey Kong walks in & takes off his hat & coat*
“Hey sport, good day at school?”