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On HGTV they can flip a house in a month and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
If I was a ghost, pottery wouldn’t be the first thing I do.
I’m like the lemon seed that sinks to the bottom of your water glass and then shoots up your straw unexpectedly, trying to choke you.
Therapist: Problem?
Me: I always quote Eminem lyrics.
T: Explain?
M: I can’t tell you what it really is,I can only tell u what it feels like
Walmart is always a good place to see someone in the process of hitting their child.
so apparently if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but donate 9 kidneys and people get very upset
To be clear, when I say “let’s get it on”, I’m talking about the two-person horse costume.
How do I tell my kid the tooth fairy needs $15 change for the $20 she left under his pillow?
How’s virtual school going for you? I’ll start.
My son was late to his PE class because he was making nachos.
My husband’s favorite snack while we watch tv is whatever makes the most noise, apparently.
HOW TO ROB A BANK: (1) Walk in and start talking about your study abroad experience. (2) Everyone’s asleep now. Grab the money.
Me: *needs to renew my vehicle registration*
DMV: Yes, we will need your license, registration, proof of insurance, passport, paper straw wrapper, VHS copy of The Sixth Sense, Princess Dianna Beanie Baby and for you to hit the high note in “I Will Always Love You.”
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 85,432 times, you’re a weatherman
I bought a book on Feng Shuis but I don’t know where to put it.
me: one more peep outta you & I’m turning this car around
child (pukes up Easter candy):
me: ok that’s it!
I never learned to swim because I didn’t think it would ever be more than an hour since I last ate
Remember, kids: If a 200-year old vampire fucks a teenager, it’s “romantic,” but if a 45-year old Muppet fucks a teenager, it’s “creepy.”
I feel like true love can be proven by whether you would stay with your partner if they suddenly started wearing a beret all the time
The person who figures out how to marry someone without marrying their family too, will win the Nobel Peace Prize
Some peanut butter M&M’s just rolled under the fridge, and now I understand every sad love song ever written.
Daughter steals my iPad so I left Google open on “too many kids” & “making it look accidental.” Found my iPad but haven’t seen her all day.
Vince Vaughn supports the right to carry guns in public. So if you ever wander into 1 of his movies, you can just shoot yourself.
[at a dinner party]
Me: I saw a UFO once
Wife: It was a frisbee
Me: At the park
Wife: Frisbee
Me: I took a pic
Wife: Of a frisbee in the air
Me: *shows pic*
Friend: Looks like a…
Wife: Frisbee
When anyone says they’ve embarrassed themselves enough for one day, I smile, nod and think ‘that kind of limit sounds nice’
Coworker: Cute dress!
Me: Really, thank you, I got up late and forgot I had to wash my hair and then I saw it hanging on the outside of my closet and didn’t have time to grab anything else and it probably looks like a floral potato sack nightmare nightgown
Coworker: [avoids me]
[graduation]
…and I owe it all to my mom, and my late dad *sheds tear*
[crowd cries]
*dad walks in holding starbucks*
“traffic, my bad”
Me: *enters Manager’s office wearing a pheasant face mask*
Manager: *sighs* “You know full well what I meant when I said that you needed your game face on for the meeting today”
me: *hand on his shoulder* you can’t save everybody. just call time of death
doctor: you have a sprained ankle
I hate it when people don’t know the difference between “You’re” and “Your”
There stupid…
meditation teacher: to enter into deep meditation you must embrace a cloud of unknowing in which you forget everything that you have learned
me: way ahead of you