Be the reason why church doors slam shut as you walk by.
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It’s a little bit tight did you keep the receipt?
I received a bank alert text for suspicious activity. I was buying fruit.
Van Gogh’s girlfriend: my dearest Vincent, lend me your ear
Him: cuts ear off
Her: I just wanted u to listen to me
Him: nah, I’m good
Him: Mmm, tell me what you like, baby
Me: I like turtles
Exercise workout videos always have the person smiling. I would rather have a video where the lead person is complain cussing the whole time and saying things like Why are we doing this? This is horrible.
These are too funny not to post 😂
Absolutely noone:
Americans: I took French at school but all I can remember is fromage.
I think my family is really going to dig the 15 minute powerpoint I’ve created of the things I am thankful for at Thanksgiving dinner.
I’m just a girl…standing in front of a boy…asking him to love her.
Haha, just kidding. I’m just a girl…sitting in my car…talking to a boy through a speaker…trying to order a Shamrock Shake.
But a little drama never hurts.
A guy I know was flirting with the cashier, and she ignored him. When he said “How about a thank you?” She leaned toward him, and said “It’s printed on your receipt.”
Ways to look busy:
1. Turn up later than everyone else but rush into the office looking annoyed
2. Act like spending half an hour in the toilet has annoyed you
3. Rush around with an open laptop looking annoyed
4. Get annoyed at a printer
5. Just generally look annoyed
[folds menu gently and sets down]
please may I have the applebee
regrets?
[thinks back to the time i drunkenly watched Spy Kids 3-D & it forever ruined my netflix recommendations]
yeah i’ve got regrets
Ladies,
When someone asks why you’re single, tell them you’re overqualified.
I’m really scared society will collapse soon and there won’t be any more Doritos.
I’ve been waxing my car for twenty years and I still don’t know karate.
horror movie
– but it’s just her throwing on the hallmark channel after handcuffing me to the bedposts
CINDERELLA: were you always my fairy godmother
FAIRY GODMOTHER: yes, always
CINDERELLA: so you watched my stepmother horribly mistreat me for years and did nothing
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER: look what i can do to this pumpkin
It’s settled. I’m measuring everything in comparison to the size of an American alligator.
[scooby doo’s wife walks into the kitchen and slams a pile of legal documents onto the table. scooby looks up in shock]
scooby: RIVORCE???
Give a baker flours on your first date.
For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me
Netflix: (every 45 seconds) aRe YoU StiLL wAtcHiNg ???
Netflix when you fall asleep on the couch: *somehow plays 18 episodes in a row*
same vibe as tangled headphones
“why aren’t you in a relationship?”
(points to large stack of books) “uh what do you call this?”
Sometimes in the middle of eating a rotisserie chicken I ask myself “did I just run a red light?”
Woman: it’s legal to breastfeed my son in public
Cop: not while he’s driving
Long story short don’t use sewing scissors to trim your nose hair if you’re drunk
[first day]
Head Chef: Careful, the stove will burn you
Me: I’ll be fine
Stove: Your girlfriend left you for a better looking, funnier version of you