Call me when they release “Barbie vs. Godzilla.”
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Lord of the Rings is wild cuz Gandalf told Frodo he had to go on a super dangerous journey and Frodo was like “ok can I bring my gardener”?
Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….
I’m scared to open any email with a photo attachment because of all this talk about photobombing.
The final exam for police service dogs to remain calm in front of a cat, Germany, 1987.
I totally understand how “please leave your brother alone” can be interpreted as “throw toys at him.” It’s just common sense.
Every time a house is evil, a disaster, and full of demons in a movie we find out someone used a Ouija board so anyway guess when I’m saying is at what point did America use a ouija board
ubereats: it will cost £3.50 extra to send this cheeseburger to your house
me: ye ye ye hurry up gimmewikipedia: please donate to this website you find very useful or we will die
me: LMAOOOOOOOOOO
For a hero, it’s pretty cool that Mario is just a dude who ignores his real job, does mushrooms and smashes his head into things all day.
So, I got banned from the toy store today…
ME: Can you stop the car here? I wanna pet the dogs at that animal shelter.
ARRESTING OFFICER: No.
On a dark desert highway
Cool Whip in my hair 🎵
If anyone asks, I’m only watching three shirtless buff guys work on the neighbour’s roof because home improvement projects are super educational.
The three genders.
When you encounter others on a trail, offer a friendly “hello” or a nod. This helps create a friendly atmosphere. If you approach a trail user from behind, announce yourself in a friendly, calm tone. Yelling “that chipmunk stole my car keys, run for your lives” is not helpful.
him: i like athletic girls
me [dips oreo in milk]: check out this sweet dunk
him: not like that
[band comes out for encore] DO YOU WANNA HEAR ONE MORE
crowd: YAAAAAHHHH
me: GETTING KINDA LATE GUYS
Let me sing you the song of my people
*moves and 97 joints pop*
Dad: HEY come here, did you go to school with this guy on tv?
Me: Dad, that’s Spongebob Squarepants
Dad: Must’ve been in your sister’s class
Me: Shall I buy flowers for the housewarming?
Wife: Orchids?
Me: Where am I supposed to buy children?
Bout to have the best sleep of my life
Stop staring at my chest dude,
It’s like you’ve never seen ‘dual pocket snack holders’ before.
Pro Tip: You can disable the surveillance camera in your microwave by heating a metal fork on the high setting for 7 minutes.
HER: What’s your cell plan?
ME: Bodily decay over decades until inevitable mortal collapse. You?
HER: …
ME: …
HER: … V-Verizon.
If I accidentally put a live scorpion in my mouth and chewed on it, am I going to die? Don’t ask how that happened….but my tongue is numb.
It’s always the Great Wall of China, but I feel bad for all the other walls in China. They’re like
“Hey i’m a pretty good wall too.”
Is the Paleo diet the one where you only eat dinosaurs?
Friend: [admiring photo of me, my husband, two sons and our dog] What a beautiful family.
Me: [whispering] My whole house smells like pee.
Coworker to me: ” Why are you always rushing out of here after work? You’re single with no kids.”
Me: ” Exactly.”
My grandma taught me it’s okay to use the really bad words only when someone messes with family, or when a bird shits on your head.
“It’s too late. You can’t stop it now.”
– Every villain in every single movie moments before the hero stops them now