I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn.
And now we wait…
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Hike in groups. Bears like to have options
Since wine is made from grapes its technically accurate to say I did a fruit juice cleanse for New Years Eve.
Are rhetorical questions really necessary?
The Mastodon crowd doesn’t care for me much. Pretty sure it’s my cologne.
Do the people who make chairs know what humans look like or nah
The Raptcha…you have to prove you’re not a robot before you can get into heaven
me: what’s wrong?
date: you said you’d prepared a four course meal
me: yeah, but you didn’t seem to enjoy the first two courses so…
date: i just didn’t realize you meant obstacle courses
Someone’s hair in my food: bad, disgusting, indicative of chaos behind the scenes
My own hair in my food: hey it happens, welcome home my son, spend as much time in my mouth as you need
hey sorry i just saw this text u sent last month even though my phone is in my hand all day long including when i sleep
i just hope my kid isn’t the kid that makes a teachers day by being absent
“Half a league, half a league, half a league onward,” though obscure has a better ring to it than 2640 yards, 2640 yards, 2640 yards onward.
probably should have split this into two separate stories guys
When I’m fishing, I’ll use meatballs as bait because most fish are probably sick of seafood.
Last year I had no valentine, this year I also have no valentine. Consistency 🙏🏾
You can now buy candy unwrapped and avoid any effort at all to eat it. USA! USA!
Me: I hate seeing you like this.
Coworker: Like how?
Me: In person
Hell hath no fury like a woman being told she looks tired.
I used to think chiropractors were useless till I had back problems… Now, I stand corrected.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
“Never go to bed angry” is some solid advice if you want to stay up until 3am fighting
Parents: Don’t play with sharp objects.
Parents in October: Here’s a knife. Now stab this pumpkin.
What’s the deal with everyone liking unicorns? They’re horses with dildos on their heads. Dragons, people. DRAGONS.
To animals (lizards?) that prey on mosquitoes: You guys need anything? Ice? More towels? Tickets to Cirque du Soleil?
“I miss my label mates.”
“You’re a recording artist?”
“We collect beer labels let me show you my albums.”
*a movie that’s 100% studio logo animations but the audience doesn’t even notice until 30 minutes in*
Don’t talk to me, I’m sober.
I’m just your average mom, trying to convince my kids that 4:45pm is indeed their bedtime, because I’ve had enough of their shit for one day
Prince: it’s taking an awfully long time to let down that hair
Curly-haired Rapunzel: (struggling with a straightening iron) be PATIENT
There’s no way that Cinderella was treated like shit her entire life, then a prince tells her he loves her & she wasn’t like “yeah right.”