The symmetry is uncanny.
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cool hat i found in the hospital bathroom for a cowboy like myself
Saw a ‘Book Of Opposites’ at the store today and I couldn’t help but wonder why they didn’t call it a Contradictionary.
My reality check bounced, guess I’ll have to stay insane for the time being
I’m sorry your eyebrows look like two unruly caterpillars chasing each other across your forehead.
how to exercise your calf muscles
when i die i wanna come back as a gerbil because they’re so cuddly and are notoriously vindictive, grudge-holding creatures
Clean tweeting is liberating. You don’t need profanity to make a point. Look:
Tell her she has beautiful eyes. Female dogs love that poopy.
When my husband is mad at me,
I like to point at my wedding ring
and whisper “forever”
I want to know where my horoscope got the outlandish confidence to say “Don’t worry about any dreams you have today, dreams don’t mean anything”
i wish they named cookies something different because every time a website asks me to accept cookies, and i decline, a little part of my heart is like, but i love cookies, just not your kind
H: Let’s watch a really scary movie.
Me: Good idea.
[starts playing movie “Parenthood”]
Is there a button for “please show me more ads like this”???
I came home to find my boyfriend mopping the floor and my first thought was, “who’d he kill?”
[home]
FRIEND: How’d family dinner go?
ME: Huge mess to clean.
F: It’s spotless!
M: *sprays luminol* You’d never know they were even here.
Everything I know about the Royal family has been learned against my will
Vin Diesel eats two meals a day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
[After winning an award]
HOST: Is there anyone you’d like to thank?ME [smiles at wife in the crowd as I lean into the mic] Absolutely not
Debbie on Facebook tagged me in some game and said “don’t disappoint me” so I blocked her.
I tried to forgive and forget but I forgot who I forgave.
Doctor: Wow your blood pressure is through the roof
Me: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Doctor: Your eye is literally twitching
Me: *sipping on my eighth coffee of the day* stop being dramatic medicine boi
Got fired from my 4th fast food job in a row for asking “do you want a shake with that?” at the drive thru window and then twerking for 5 minutes no matter what they answered
One time when my 10yo was 18 months I took him to the library for story time and he rolled his toy car under a bookcase and yelled “oh shit”. The lady stopped reading and everyone turned to look at me and I didn’t go back to story time at the library again
Hey hipsters, if your main function in life is to “bring back” old and dated clothing, capes should be at the top of the list.
6-year-old: Why do cars have cup holders?
Me: For cups.
6: But you can’t drink and drive.
Someone once told me “If you love something, set it free”. I told them not to mind about those noises coming from the basement.
Wow, the Fire Marshall really has no sense of humor these days.
[10mins from now]
..& just like that North Korea was removed from history & got nuked by every country on Earth for bringing down Twitter..
Misery loves company. But not you. Even Misery has standards.
A good Scotch should taste like how a haunted 17th century wardrobe smells.
For two years in high school, I took guitar lessons. Something interesting I learned is that guitar resale nets a 45% loss.