“Let’s take a couple dozen over-stimulated children and give them enough sugar to kill an elephant.” – inventor of the birthday party
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I’m at my most ninja when the motion sensor sink don’t work.
I mean, I had to pay a gym membership so technically they’re not really free weights.
Kid 1: *super tired, falls asleep early*
Me: *gets hopes up for easy bedtime*
Kid 2: *hold my espresso*
The best revenge is living well, so I really need to know what the second best revenge is.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY WEDNESDAY?!
Me: It’s Tuesday.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY TUESDAY?!
[homeless guy walks up to me at the park]
“what are you doing inside my house?”
When I was 8, I was so inspired by Barney Miller that I went door to door in a trenchcoat handing out JJ Piggs, Kid Detective, business cards I made out of scrap paper.
I must have written down the wrong number though because no one ever called me.
Swimmer’s ear. Not sure what to do about it. The things you find in the pool filter.
Delivery!
Mail!
Dog!
Bunny!
A leaf fell!
Wind!
Nothing!
Nothing again!-My dog’s daily announcements
“That’s an interesting take,” I say not listeningly.
Vampire: can I take you out to dinner?
Girl: am I the dinner?
Vampire: (sweating) ha ha no
microdosing lsd to gain a creative advantage at my job as a subway sandwich artist
My skin is so dry it’s doing a PowerPoint presentation
For a while after my wife left me I found it really difficult to listen to any of ‘our’ songs. She’d taken the entire CD collection with her.
oh cool this article looks like a neat re-“JOIN OUR NEWSLETTER TO NEVER MISS OUT ON THE BEST NEWS EVER BUT FIRST DISABLE YOUR ADBLOCKER ALSO CAN WE HAVE YOUR PHONE NU-“
Don’t do anything rash
– inept doctor trying to keep a skin eruption from spreading
” I need you ”
– Me in the toilet roll aisle
My issue with Jeopardy is that you never get the sense that the contestants are in any real danger
Sorry I embarrassed you when I tried to draft Smaug, but I totally misunderstood the concept of a Fantasy football league.
WFH: Work From Home
my brain: WaFfle House
*Signs into Facebook
“If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve me at my best” is posted everywhere
*Agrees
*Deletes Facebook
Our son came home one day with
a note from his first grade teacher:Your son bit another boy today.
Is he getting enough to eat at home ?
God: you’re really fast.
Deer: ok.
God: so whenever you sense danger I want you to-
Deer: run away right?
God: no, just [freezes in place].
Deer: got it wait-what?
God: you know just [freezes in place again].
Label: Non-habit forming
Me: Challenge accepted
Stars! They’re just like us! Gaseous and dying
One day I’m probably going to be too lazy to breathe and just die.
Parenting is about lovingly tucking your kids into bed at night and still waking up with a small foot on your face.
Whenever a guy peeps into my phone, I open the front cam and take a selfie with him.
These kids act like they’ve never gotten a half-pealed hard boiled egg for Halloween before.