Me: Trust me, I’ve got everything under control.
Narrator: lmao you know what I’m ’bout to say..
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[gym]
ME: hey can you spot me
HIM: yeah
ME: *hiding under the bench* how about now
The only bucket list I have and can finish is at KFC.
LEAVE ME ALONE GRANDMA I’M ENTERTAINING LITERALLY TENS OF PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET
The ONE time I actually want to say “duck”, damn you autocorrect!
“Sorry again! I’d love to join the preschool field trip to the DUCK pond”
Customer service: how can I help you?
Me: yeah, I’d like to change my security question. My favorite kid is now Josh
*runs into the back of wife’s leg with the grocery cart for the 5th time*
me: We meet agai-
wife: Go wait in the car
me: Ok
There are two reasons I often don’t reciprocate:
1. I get distracted.
I don’t know how I feel about ghosts. Never seen one, but I don’t deny the possibility they exist. But this video is chilling. A chill went up my spine. Watch at your own risk. Don’t blink. Terrifying. I now believe.
This morning I noticed my neighbor was talking to her cat. It was obvious the poor woman thought her cat understood her.
When I got home I told my dog about it. We laughed so much!
Mom: Did you dye your hair?
* twirling my fingers through my freshly coloured brown ear *
How did you know?
I won’t get excited until Twitter adds a button that lets me correct mistakes in other people’s tweets.
Ooo! The morning weather girl…
Come on baby, give daddy the five day forecast.
god: [looking down at earth] let me see your binoculars for a sec
angel: [perspiring freely] promise you won’t get mad
I just googled “jokes to tell right before you die” and if that doesn’t tell you what kind of person I am, I don’t know what does.
Safety first
People Magazine sounds like something aliens pretending to be humans would call their magazine.
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
Me: I don’t mean to overstep but I would be a great hire.
Employer: In that case the Ministry of Silly Walks is not for you.
Me *goose step, tippy toe, barrel roll out the door*: Best of luck!
Employer *high kick, sashay to trashcan with resume*: Damn shame.
My daughter turns 3 today. Due to our tight budget, we’re not telling her.
I’ve been hearing noises in the house for a while now and while Twitter was down last night I discovered I have a wife!
Fine I’ll bite, what’s this sex thing everyone keeps talking about?
“STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO”, I yell to my 5 year old.
“What’d you do this weekend?”
I was shooting craps.
“Oh you went to a casino?”
*flashback to blasting dog turds with shotgun* Um, yeah.
My wife & I couldn’t agree on which psychic to go to. They were all sad and depressing.
“What did you do?”
We finally found a happy medium
I gotta say, I’ve never been in an Uber with red and blue lights!
Also, I don’t remember calling for one…
My kid yelled she couldn’t wait to be an adult so I handed her the bills, threw the laundry on her bed, replaced her pizza with cauliflower, redirected my student loan calls to her phone and demanded she get me a snack every time she tried to go to the restroom.
The cake is mightier than the sword.
“You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours.”
Me: Are you sure you passed dermatology school?
If I’m reading this DNA report correctly, the thin lines here and the thick lines over here mean nothing is my fault.
Me: Does the ceasar salad have anchovies?
Waiter: I meant questions about the menu
Me: But––
Waiter (grabbing it from me): The menu, the menu! Like “why no dollar signs by the prices?” or “did you draw this salmon icon?”