Wife’s been away since thursday, we ran out of spaghetti-o’s on friday, ate the dog yesterday, burned photo albums for heat today, pls help
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Surprise a beautiful person today by disagreeing with them.
INTERVIEWER: why did you leave your last job?
ME: they stopped putting Kit Kats in the break room vending machine
How do you know when your pen has run out of invisible ink?
My favorite part about the teenage mutant ninja turtles is that they felt the need to wear masks so people would not recognize them at their regular jobs
I don’t know much about friends with benefits but i’m always carrying a snack or two if that counts
“You’re not like the other girls.”
“Yeah, that’s pretty much how this works. We’re literally all different ones.”
I know it’s fiction but the logic in The Walking Dead is so skewed it is impossible to suspend disbelief.
An Asian guy named Glenn?
Please
if this isn’t a simulation then how does my cat know exactly where i’m going when i’m carrying something heavy
Facebook: Do you know this person?
Me: Yes!
Facebook: Do you want to connect?
Me: Absolutely not.
@Lottie_Poppie I’m at my ideal weight. If I was a baby blue whale
Enters supermarket with a long list.
Exits with a six pack and rotisserie chicken.
wordle is a big pharma conspiracy to sell us more ibuprofen
Cobra’s try and act tough by wearing a hoodie
If Nostradamus had been any good he’d have called his book of prophecies ‘Predictive Text’.
I don’t eat dessert for dinner nearly as much as I thought I would when I was 8
“I’d hit that”
-old people who drive
☠️☠️☠️
God: We’ll call it a “dolphin”.
Angel: And it’s like a friendlier shark?
God: Turn its frown upside down.
Angel: That’s not much of a diff-
God: Give it a sideways tail.
Angel: O…kay…
God: Punch a hole in its noggin.
Fastest way to occupy bored kids is to announce we are going to clean
Voila
Suddenly they all remember plans they’ve forgotten
Ah quiet
Monday mornings as a stay-at-home parent are kind of like cleaning up after a massive house party that you weren’t even invited to.
[ 9 months BC ]
Mary: *changes Facebook status to “it’s complicated”
There’s no way I’m the only person who thinks Kristen Stewart is doing the world’s best Garfield impression.
The spider I saw in the bathroom ran under the trash and disappeared. I know I was going to kill it but I still think that’s rude.
Me: “Do you have any songs you’re really hoping to learn in piano lessons?”
7 yo boy, dead serious: “Well my main goal for being here is really to learn The Muffin Man.”
You got it, brother. 🫡
If my kids ask, the police will arrest me if I let them stay up late.
Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.
How many zombies would Rob Zombie rob if Rob Zombie could rob zombies?
All the guys in working out photos look like they’re straining or in pain, but there’s lots of pictures of me with cake and I look happy.
Idk how we’re supposed to tell when bleu cheese has gone bad. It’s already bad. Do we just check on it periodically to see if it’s getting worse? Then one day say “this cheese is too worse” and toss it out?