I come from a long line of successful people.
I decided to stop that tradition.
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Moola better be the only form of currency at a cattle auction.
Using my dog as a shield, but just to absorb the slobber from my other dog.
{first date}
HIM: Your profile says you like Shakespeare. What’s your favorite?
ME [nervous]: Uh…William?
[In line at the store when my child has a meltdown]
A boomer in line behind me: that child could use some discipline-
Me: -but your generation has already used 𝘌𝘝𝘌𝘙𝘠𝘛𝘏𝘐𝘕𝘎 all up
[from under your bed]
Babe, are you mad at me?
Feel like these super villains wouldn’t have to steal so much if they didn’t insist on paying for all their goons to be wearing the same outfit.
Car’s automatic gearbox shit itself and I was staring down the barrel of a £7.5k repair job, gingerly drove the car home to ‘think it over’ and someone drove right up my arse and wrote it off. I couldn’t stop smiling at the side of the road, the guy thought I was a psychopath.
you want me to drink water. the thing that killed jack in titanic
I just want to be as carefree as the parents who opt for the light interior color options in their cars.
When I order pizza online, in the “Special Instructions for the Driver” box, I put “Tell me I’m a pretty princess”.
And they do.
And I am.
59 days until Christmas. I better start untangling the lights.
It was when I stabbed a Capri Sun perfectly the first time, right in that grey circle, that I knew I wanted to be an assassin.
I listen to a lot of white noise, so I get really excited when it rains or someone turns on a fan. It’s like seeing my favourite band live.
Good morning, especially if they tried to make go to rehab and you said no, no, no.
Of course I will guard your Easter basket from any pillaging by your sisters. Bring it here, honey.
Paying bills, or as I call it, the race to a zero balance
Not sure why people with shingles aren’t prescribed roofies.
And send.
Doctor: how do you stay active?
Me: I just jiggle the mouse every 5min
Me:
– cures cancer
– saves endangered species
– discovers Atlantis
– solves energy crisis
– finds all missing childrenMy mom:
But did you remember to send out your thank yous? Can’t you do something about blindness? Don’t forget to call your aunt Cathy…
[in basement lab]
wife: you cant just make your own honey
me: (mouth dry, spitting pollen everywhere) I know that now Lisa.
I have a degree in graphic design. It’s not real but it’s hard to tell. I definitely did a pretty good job
happy birthday to me. i am 25.
“What should we call this thing in the ocean that is land?”
How about island?
“Seems too obvious”
What if we pronounced it weird
“Perfect”
Wanted: Human left leg, to finish the monster I’m making in my basement. Will pay handsomely. No weirdo’s.
I bought a Roomba to save an hour on vacuuming, now I’m spending two hours staring at Roomba vacuuming
In my house the roles are reversed cause my kids tell me to turn my music down.
when i die i wanna come back as a gerbil because they’re so cuddly and are notoriously vindictive, grudge-holding creatures
Australia is like someone’s still playing jumanji
[Jesus as a Doordash driver]
[Eats your fish and chips]
[Delivers double your original order]
Working on a screen play that involves zombies invading a prom. I’m calling it “Prom Nom Nom”