confuse your coworkers today by telling them you’re going to the restroom to do a “number 3”
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“dress for the job you want”
“ok!”
*shows up to work naked*
“what are you doing”
“i don’t want a job”
A coworker is being a jerk to me because I microwaved some seafood in the break room so to get back at them I’m going to microwave some seafood in the break room.
Following politics is fun cuz it combines the entertainment of reality TV with the thrill of possibly dying in real life
Sometimes I like to put on a dark wig, a floppy hat, and huge sunglasses, and pretend I’m a mystery woman.
Sadly my husband keeps recognizing me.
People are surprised that I’m nice. Like yea I am fat and suck at sex, I have to be nice.
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
If they ever invent time travel my dad would still insist on leaving early to avoid traffic
You know what I’m hoping is in my Easter basket this year?
A nap.
(Just kidding. Moms don’t get baskets.)
(Or naps.)
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
Trump University is getting a bad rap. My nephew went there and he can poop in a toilet AND say the N-word.
oh you hate me? name all of my flaws
I don’t think putting that ouija board on a grave will help you catch a better signal
He who understands women, dies under mysterious circumstances…
I love when British people call it a “rubbish bin,” like my kitchen trash got a monocle
Life is just an endless cycle of buying a little drink so a store owner will let you use the bathroom, then walking a little, then needing to use the bathroom because you had a little drink
There’s a disturbance in the coffee.
Ate an entire pool noodle all by myself.
the worst pressure is when you’re replying to a text with a word you can’t spell and you know they’re going to wonder why it took you 5 minutes to type “I’ll bring hors d’oeuvres”
ME: *slamming desk with fist* You’ll put this up over my dead body!
FUNERAL DIRECTOR: It’s a lovely headstone.
ME: It really is.
A coworker said “can you BE anymore annoying?”
So the next day I wore some tap shoes to work.
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they don’t come back they aren’t a phoenix and were completely useless to you anyway.
this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?
The guy I cheat off moved seats before today’s spelling test, like he’s teaching me some kind of lessen.
My neighbors have both a howling dog and a screaming baby out in their yard. I’d throw a rock or something but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.
My mom has been gone for three weeks and left my dad with the credit card. His surprise to her when she came home was a glow in the dark toilet seat and when he showed her all he said was “BEHOLD”
Inuits have 50 words for snow. Brits have 50 things named pudding
The older you get, the more you realise your chances of being cast as a vampire in a Twilight reboot are dwindling.
Cleaning out my handbag. Wondering if nine pens are enough.
A moment of silence please. Not for anyone in particular, everyone just shut up.
Him: Is that a horse drawn carriage?
Her: I can’t quite tell
Horse: *sobbing* Well you try holding a pencil with your hooves