If global warming is a hoax, then how do you explain all these hot singles in my area?
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My neighbor’s wife put him on a diet so I’m slingshotting pretzel balls over the fence like a true bro
My daughter claimed that her knife skills are better than Chef Ramsay’s. So I tossed her a potato and asked her to peel it and she said, “With a knife?”
Don’t worry Chef Ramsay, your job is safe!
I’m opening a funeral home that has a bar in it. I know right?
A coven of witches with grandkids who call themselves the PentaGrans.
Thanks for following.
Can’t tell if they’re hitting on me here?
Of course I don’t have any skeletons in my closet
I know how to dissolve bones I’m not an amateur
Those “free hugs” people sure do get upset when you ask them what $20 will get you.
I requested the number 867-5309 from my cellular provider because I like being annoyed to the point of rage.
Me: I’m sorry; I don’t remember your name. I know it starts with an S though…. Sledgehammer, Salamander, Slappy…
Him: Steve…my name is Steve.
Me: Yeah, no, I would’ve never gotten that.
DOG DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: Please assume the correct position for operating a vehicle.
DOG STUDENT: *sticks head out window*
DDI: Excellent.
I miss being able to study with complete focus for hours. Now I read one sentence and check my phone to see if penguins have legs or just feet
Wow I ordered too much food.
Here, you can have half of it.*5 minutes later*
Okay I’m gonna need that back
a lot of people are really funny but they’re not comedians and a lot of comedians are really funny but they’re not people
It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.
My husband & I finally have an afternoon away from the kids. And then our son texts the family group chat:
“So do we have super glue?”
I hate when I’m on the treadmill and my hand accidentally hits the stop button & I have to get off and eat a bacon grilled cheese sandwich.
Oh you’re a ceiling fan? Name 3 times I let you collect too much dust and should have cleaned you
I hate it when people show up at MY house, knock on MY door, and then ask me why I’m not wearing pants.
In my first job, I had to proofread tampon box instructions. Grammar was good, but it was clear that they had no idea how a period works.
I 100% believe Aliens live in the Bermuda Triangle. It’s like fishing for them.
Hear me out…
A leaf blower, but for people.
hello secretary? i need you to go to that website where you can combine pokemon and combine mew and squirtle, print it out and bring it here
Going commando is the closest I’ll ever get to joining the army.
A Christmas Carol is the heartwarming tale of how rich people must be supernaturally terrorized into sharing.
I may be fat now, but you’re stupid forever.
When I see people running to catch the elevator I’m on I yell “HURRY! YOU GOTTA SMELL THIS!”.
The quickest way to get your kid to do their homework is to ask them to help with some chores
Gabriel “Really? That’s how you want humans to reproduce?”
God “Trust me. It will be hilarious.”
It’s no longer a Twittercide, it’s Xterminated.
“Playing soccer in the cold builds character, son!” I yelled…
…from inside my warm car, because it’s COLD & I already have character.