Margo: And why is the snow all wet, TODD?
Todd: I don’t KNOW, Margo!
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Washing instructions: Hand wash only.
Me: We’ll see about that.
Before you buy anything online ask yourself “Am I prepared to see a sales ad for that same item on every social media site I visit until the day I die?”
Beer before liquor, never sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice, dead.
don’t hate robert altman’s 1992 satirical comedy “the player” hate david fincher’s 1997 psychological thriller “the game”
My son had an idea for the “Mom Dash App” where I would deliver food to his room and I told him that I’d have to get a 20% tip, so he’s still getting his own food.
For people who say “nothing is impossible”, that’s crazy. I’ve been successfully doing nothing for several years now.
“How can I help u, Bowser?”
I need a loan
“For ANOTHER castle?”
A flying castle
“U have like 24 already”
IDK HOW MARIO KEEPS FINDIN HER
Me: *Holding a fist full of lit sparklers* How much for the aggressive incense?
I don’t follow American politics much. Did Kanye win?
Try and stop me.
So 4:38 pm is a good time to realize your shorts have been unzipped all day.
Chomsky? I’m afraid I don’t Noam
I’m sitting in my car (eating peanut butter crackers) while watching a couple in another car (who are both eating cheeseburgers) & they’re watching a guy in another car (who is eating pizza.)
The Backseat Boys
(Family Reunion)
Me: …and the real loud guy who keeps talking with his mouth full?
Wife: That’s Murray…He’s my cousin once removed.
Me: Any chance we can remove him again?
The @NewYorker buying Twitter ads to promote its article about how Twitter is dying kind of undercuts the thesis
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he has my lighter
NAZI: I’m a Nazi
MEDIA: How controversial
NAZI: I said I was a Nazi
MEDIA: Your clothes are beautifully tailored
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
Do not steal food from the science building!
Idea: Eels. Exactly the same storyline as Cats but they’re all eels.
You don’t know rock bottom until someone tries to tickle your neck fat.
If you encounter a bear in the woods, stand perfectly still and try to look like kale.
surgeon 1: open mike night tonight
surgeon 2: hope you don’t bomb like last time
surgeon 1: haha
surgeon 2: haha
Mike: what
Never trust a woman sucking a candycane into a sword.
Whenever someone doesn’t text me back, I just assume we’re in a fight that I wasn’t aware of.
[from the sperm donation room]
Me: *screaming with the door cracked open* I NEED MORE CUPS
Him: What’s another word for pee?
Her: Urinate.
Him: Aw, thanks, babe…and you’re a ten, but please answer my question.