[tearing off our clothes]
Her: I want you. Take off your shoes.
*kicks flip-flop through her TV*
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The person next to me on this plane only put their shoes back on after I showed them all the pictures I took of their feet
I love how you changed “Conclusions” to “Learnings” in my PowerPoint. Any other made-up words I should add?
Sign of the times. 😒
#Hoarders #COVIDー19 #COVID #CoronaOutbreak
You’re clearly insane. Ok, I’ll give you twelve more chances
Trying to sound casual. Yes just message me when you set off whenever. I’m not running around like a headless chicken trying to make my house look like it hasn’t exploded honest.
I wear tap shoes to a restaurant on a first date, that way in case he tries to murder me the news outlets can say she was last heard wearing tap shoes.
Brands during Pride
I’m creating a new perfume for introverts.
It’s called: Leave Me The Fu Cologne.
“This shirt that the team was wearing smells disgusting. I need to find an appropriate state to name it after.”
-Inventor of the jersey
If you can see the bread you are not using butter correctly.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day but teach a man to phish and he will steal your social security # so click here to verify your account.
3 fought tooth and nail over not putting on pants under a dress this morning. I explained it was weather appropriate.
3: How about I put them on now and take them off at school?
She’s going to crush high school.
How To Be A Parent
Step 1: have a child
Step 2: your guess is as good as mine
When Squidward and Donald Duck do it, it’s “adorable” but when I go outside without pants, it’s “misdemeanor indecent exposure” DOUBLE STANDARD
ALLIGATOR: I’m gonna eat you
ME: But we could be friends. You could be my palligator
A: Ok for that I’m gonna somehow try to eat you twice
Trivia: Bugs Bunny was originally named “Insects Rabbit” and his catchphrase was, “What is transpiring, Physician?”
Cigarettes have warning labels because they are dangerous and addictive yet vaginas are allowed to just roam around freely.
DOCTOR: We were all out of blood for your transfusion so we used Mountain Dew
ME: [I don’t hear bc I already snowboarded out the window]
My first thought after seeing some recent footage of UFOs in our airspace was, “Guys, could you come back at a better time?”
I hate it when people humble brag about where they went to college. I have this friend who went to Harvard and she just won’t shut up about it. She’s always been like that, even when we were in college together.
That touchdown dance is exactly the same as mine when I wake up in a guy’s apartment and his furnished apartment has a nice view.
From my experience, the worst thing you can say at the end of a date is, “That’ll do, pig.”
I’m the clinically crazy unpredictable one. The monster under my bed is probably telling his parents there’s a full blown psycho on the roof.
*sees guy dressed as ghost for Halloween*
Hey buddy thats not funny, my grandma is a ghost
Seeing cover letters that say things like “since I was 4 it’s always been my dream to work as a staff accountant for your organization” and I’m like ok my goal at 4 was to live in a gingerbread house you’re hired.
Dear god, please let me have sex at least as often as adobe or java needs an update. Everyday.
business idea: a dating app that only matches Adams with Steves
Satan: Omg im such a big fan of your work!
My toddler: Thank you! Did you bring me plain milk? I asked for spaghetti milk.
Me, making a pediatrician appt for my 5yo son.
Receptionist: “What’s his birth year?”
Me: “17”
Them: “2017 or….?”
Me: “Oh yes. 2017.”
In my head: No, 1817. We’ll make the arduous journey to your office in our covered wagon.