[first day on bomb squad]
blue red yada yada yada i get the gist
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If you ever wondered how long it takes for an over-heated microwave burrito to cool off, the answer is 37 days.
You learn something new everyday. Yesterday I learned eating 29 SlimJims gives me diarrhea. Today I learned eating 28 also gives me diarrhea
When she was 3, I took my youngest to makeup a gymnastics class we’d missed. The entire hr she was surly af & I had no idea why.
On the car ride home, she bold-faced stared me down and said, “MOM, we didn’t do ANY makeup in this class, you LIED.”
Kids.
Posting “wow pretty problematic” under every single person’s Spotify wrapped and then responding “it’s not my job to educate you” when they ask what I mean by that.
HR: I’m afraid that’s not proper corporate dress code.
ME: *taking off wetsuit* casual Friday is bullshit then.
Hannibal Lecter didn’t have to be a serial killer, he was scary enough as a foodie.
Me: puts butter on banana bread
Also me: blames weight on aging
[First prison riot]
Me: *guarding my toilet wine*
I got 3 looks. And that’s it. I got a teacher look, a mom look, and a raccoon that got into the dumpster behind Chipotle and passed out after eating too much look.
[Scooby Doo at an interview]
Interviewer: May I see your CV, Mr. Doo?
Scooby: *hands CV over* Rrres you may!
Interviewer: Round here we call it a CV.
When people are trending on twitter, I know that they died or said something racist.
Was I outside watering plants when my food was getting delivered? Yes
Did I hide behind my house so the driver didn’t see me? Also yes
I am now referring to my parents as numbers like you guys refer to your kids.
72 & 70 are coming to visit, send wine.
“You gotta try the lobs-”
– I’ll should tell you…
“Yes?”
– We’re not having sex.
“OK.”
– What were you saying?
“The chicken here’s great.”
An autocorrect with a pulse is called a wife.
The anxious urge to say “no worries either way” when you are actually worrying both ways plus a secret third way
you either dated people in middle school or you’re funny now
Relatives – Because sometimes you need reminding of your bad genes too
look at this pretty bar i went to last night! also look at the first photo i took, featuring my panic as i realized the flash was on
waiter: what’ll it be?
me: I’ll have chameleon
waiter: that’s not on the menu
me: how can you be sure?
Name dog. Call dog every derivative of that name but the actual name.
8yo: Daddy, I wrote a short story called Attack of the Killer Kittens.
me: oh wow ok…
8yo: Mommy is the superhero who makes all the kittens be good instead of evil.
me: nice, what about me?
8yo: you get eaten.
If I could be any super hero I’d be The Flash, but instead of wearing his costume I’d wear a trench coat. Same name, different purpose.
I am one who tells herself blueberry muffins are healthy because duh, there are blueberries. Also, guess what I got at Costco today? Yep.
Me: Okay, time to get off our bed
Dog: It’s adorable that you think that.
Went to the store without my dentures because what are the odds Scarlett Johansson and I would be reaching for the same box of fish sticks?
*knuckle tats*
M A Y O N N A I S E
riddler: check out aquaman’s new tweet: “on my way to destroy the legion of doom with fam”
lex luthor: you follow aquaman? LOL
others: LOL
[inventing jogging]
how can I suffer but with music
My daughter said she wants to run away. We talked. She knows she can walk. I wont chase her.