I’m about to lose 20 pounds.
*Releases the weight of everyone’s expectations off my shoulders.
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Whoever can shoo the lizard out is the alpha in your house
Don’t get too excited when someone says “and Bob’s your uncle”. It’s just a figure of speech
If someone tells you pick a card, any card take their Visa.
I wish people would stop holding back and use social media to tell us how they really feel
Paramedic: *frantically beating his fist on my chest*
2nd paramedic: Tom…TOM…*grabs him* you can stop, he’s dead
Paramedic: I know, I just *exhales* hated him
This chicken is so moist, what is your secret?
I squeeze a little KY Jelly into its cavity before heating.
I’m pregnant, during the holidays, during a never-ending pandemic. The next medical professional who makes me step on the scale better be prepared with some tissues and a sugar free lollipop to cheer me up.
Imagine hand rolling a strand of spaghetti so long it could fill an entire plate and then they serve it to two dogs.
I took my 4-year-old to a children’s museum and they switched up the little grocery store. My 4-year-old was not happy. She turned into a 40-year-old woman shopping at her grocery store real quick, “why is everything different? I don’t like it!”
Son:Dad’s trick or treating as a ghost in a bed sheet?
Wife:& heels,eye patch & his hand stuck in a Nutella jar. More like a ghost on ambien
If two people on opposite sides of the world drop a piece of bread on the ground at the same time the Earth briefly becomes a sandwich
[guy from the 50s arrives in a time machine]
“Who’s president?”
Barack Obama
“Braco? Sounds Mexican”
Nope
“Whew”
You might want to sit down
“I’ll fix the roof myself,” I said, “save some money” I said…
One of my greatest fears is my alarm clock learning how to defend itself.
When you don’t understand how floors work
I feel bad for all the non-violent clowns who live in sewers
Waiting for my pumpkin muffin with maple streusel to be delivered
The reason we are all so obsessed with finding Kate Middleton is because we grew up with Super Mario Bros and were literally trained to save the princess
Someone just threatened to call me later
My 4-year-old’s questions while watching me put on makeup for 3 minutes:
-Why is your face melting?
-Why do you make your face look evil?
-Why are you biting your eyeballs with those scissors?
detective: can you describe the crime scene?
me: which one i seen lots of crimes.
*casually walks into a crowded Sushi Restaurant wearing a dolphin costume* *suddenly stops, looks horrified, & backs slowly out the door*
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Dogs aren’t allowed in restaurants.”
Me: “He’s my service dog.”
My dog: “I’m here to fix your refrigerator.”
[me as a cop]
Me: Mrs Hill?
Woman: yes
Me: it’s Ms Hill now
Woman: huh
Me: ur husbands dead
Woman: h-how?
Me [hand on her shoulder]: he died
one time a girl told me she listens to “anything but country” so i played pterodactyl noises on on full volume the whole way to Ruby Tuesday
Yesterday my son told me I was the funniest person he knows which was so sweet. Then he asked for twenty dollars.
Me: This has been the worst day. Nothing can fix this.
*dog climbs on sofa, puts head in my lap*
M: I have never been happier in my life.
Whenever someone says, “Would you like your receipt?” I always say yes, because I want the guy at the drive-thru to think I’m writing off my Taco Bell expenses.
[uncovering pottery shards on an archaeological dig] Wow, people sure were clumsy a long time ago.