Voldemort: I’m here to kill Harry Pott- [struggling to open baby gate]
James Potter: push down and then pull back
Voldemort: I am [still struggling]
Lily Potter: jiggle it he needs to jiggle it
Voldemort: I AM JIGGLING IT; You know what forget it I’ll come back when he’s 10
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me: oh… exhibition game
rest of the basketball team: would you PLEASE put some clothes on
Wife: *looking through my yearbook* you have the exact same haircut
Me: well I use a bigger bowl now
Not to brag, but I can run pretty fast with a tv in my hands.
One difference between Men & Women is nicknames.
Woman: This is Michelle, we call her Shelly
Man: This is Johnny, we call him Long Nuts
TwinzerMom: Where’d you go?
Me: For a quick walk. Just kinda the first step on my fitness journey.
TwinzerMom: Must have been a small step
Me: Why do you say that?
TwinzerMom: Well, for starters, there’s powdered sugar in your beard
I have just planted some herbs so I am very excited to harvest one (1) tiny basil leaf in 8 weeks
Just once I’d like to yell, “Don’t you know who I am?!” because I’m important, not because I’m drunk and actually forgot.
I start each day with a green smoothie. Wait, no, the bartender’s saying it’s called a “Mojito.”
Good morning to everyone except my son who asked why I haven’t had a real boyfriend in years.
[first day as funeral director]
this is the dress she wants to be buried in
“It’s very pretty but we highly suggest a coffin”
This is the angriest post I’ve seen on Twitter in a long time.
A man played Justin Bieber to force an attacking bear to run off. He was treated for his injuries, then arrested for cruelty to animals.
You people who pull back the shower curtain checking for psycopathic murderers … if you find one, what’s your plan?
I’m not sure what my husband is planning on doing for me on Mother’s Day but I hope it’s laundry.
A word of caution from someone who took two (2) of his kids to their initial orthodontist appointments today: Before you decide that you can afford to have children, remember that children have teeth.
B2….
or not B2…
That might be the number.
–Shakespearean Bingo Caller
[2045]
The national language is Yeet. Your daughter’s fiancé is a YouTuber whose legal name is Landon FTW.
Just bought a thesaurus at the store and brought it home to find out the pages are all blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.
*checks WebMD*
Holy crap, I need an ambulance!
*checks insurance deductible*
Nevermind, I’ll just take a vitamin or something.
no
Me: hope ur soccer team wins the great fork
American: What
Me: the good plate
American: the super bowl
Me: i knew it was a kitchen something
Me, wet, shrunken, laying in front of the interrupted washing machine, breathlessly clutching a voodoo doll: FOUND IT
*gets ghosted*
Me: awesome, thanks for the 14-day free trial
Whenever I get a midnight “Hey” dm from a woman on the weekend, I always reply
Maybe she’s inviting me to church or something fun like that
Sometimes, for fun, I like to mouth words to my husband when he’s wearing earbuds. When he stops to ask me what I said, I just say ‘forget it’ and storm off.
yes yes space rockets but who is working on the technology where I can microwave my whole lean cuisine without having to take it out after a minute to stir the pasta section and then put it back in
Can you write off a divorce as a home improvement expense
doctor: where does it hurt
me: everywhere
doctor: where specifically
me: well right now, in your office
I built an electric fence around my house. My neighbour is dead against it.