Humans have 46 chromosomes, peas 6 and crayfish 200. You’re clearly not that complicated.
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He died doing what he loved; shouting ‘boo!’ behind horses.
how do we even know zombies only eat brains? it’s not like anyone has ever tried to offer them a hotdog or something
[opening can of Russian Pringles]
once u pop u [inside can is a slightly smaller can]
huh [inside that can is an even smaller can]
wtf [in..
I bought a off brand Roomba for black Friday and im already having a Detroit: Become human experience with it.
“stop dont go there”
off brand roomba: “goes there (faster)”
every year on my birthday i take a bite out of this windowsill bc i get so excited
Couch Potato: Do you think I’m fat?
Sweet Potato: I think you’re beautiful.
Baked Potato: Why do we have eyes that can’t see?
my fav thing at work is asking “can i have your name?” to customers. they dont understand, thats mine now. i am damian now. not you. you lost that. you gave it to me.
Last night, my daughter asked, “Mommy, why was Daddy the only guy who dated you, if you’re so cute?”
“Oh, well,” I replied, “there used to be plenty of guys who were interested in me.”
“Yeah, but not anymore!”
I approach.
“Girl are you a couch? Cuz I’m gonna try & fail to pick you up.”
She laughs. “I’m Jen.”
My training hasn’t prepared me for this.
me: wow you must be pretty hoarse
dracula: why would I be hoarse
me: from all that coffin lmao
BOSS: I’m sorry mike, but you’ve been downsized
ME: (75% of my original size, in a voice 125% higher pitched) ahh maaan
I hate when I’m trying to be handsome & a more handsome man stands next to me & handsomes much harder than I can.
Lady at my gym is pedaling a stationary bike while eating chips right out of the bag. I’m hiring her as my personal trainer.
I’m a great babysitter. If you’re interested, I can offer an above 95% survival rate.
She who has black counters shalt not purchase black cell phones
Honestly son, that nightlight just makes it easier for the monsters to find you.
me: so I just check out women all day?
grocery store manager: please stop saying it like that
Friday The 13th is only a horror movie if you care about teenagers.
[chameleon conference]
Boss: Is… everyone here?
*crickets*
Boss: I know Keith is. He brought the yummy crickets. Thx
Keith: You’re welcome
ME: don’t involve me in your bullshit
SON: it’s called homework
It seems I need to also make a list of all the cities I’m not going to, because every time I post my tour schedule, people ask about the cities NOT on the list.
No bond is stronger than two coworkers who hate the same person.
[reading crime and punishment]
me: holy shit, that was a crime, i wonder if there’ll be a punishm-
[ten pages later]
me: you’re not gonna believe this
Alexa: remind me to feed the baby
A harried Japanese guy is ushering me to the starting blocks of the 400 meter sprint. Please help i dont want this. I am not fast
To all my new moms, I highly recommend you start working on that upper body strength. Because you’re going to need to to haul a kicking toddler around football style.
According to the conductor, the train I’m currently on is going backwards to the previous station to “get a running start” up a hill, which feels like an idea I’d have if I was in charge of a train.
My wife complained I never buy her flowers. She should look at her prices, there’s a much more competitively priced florist just up the road
Be thankful for Twitter. The way gas prices are headed, we’re never going to meet real people ever again.