When your office brings in lunch for everyone, how long should you wait after eating it before you go ahead and eat the sandwich you brought from home too? Is it two hours? I think it’s two hours.
You Might Also Like
EVERY MOVIE TRAILER NOW:
We hear a single piano key play.
A shot of a basketball court at dusk.
Sally Field [V.O.] “Your grandfather was…complicated. There’s a lot you don’t know, can’t understand.”
A children’s choir starts singing “In the Air Tonight” by Phil Collins.
I don’t know if there’s a right time for your preschooler to whisper, “are humans made out of meat?” in your ear, but I know that 3 AM is the wrong time.
Emotional support bacon is a thing right? Because I’m on pound number 2
hugh grant wants no part of this dumb shit
Me: I wish u’d bring back my 1st pet
Genie: No blood magic
Me: I wish politicians had to tell the truth
Genie: [sigh] what was ur pets name?
Sorry I threw your baby but there was a spider on her.
Level of drunkenness: fed the ATM pizza.
4 can’t go to sleep tonight because she’s “too short to sleep” and I honestly don’t even know how to address this new level of sleep delay mastery.
You want me to make up a word for the period of my life before I became a mailman?
That’s preposterous
I put my hand upon your hip
And then I steal yo queso dip
First person to use a pillow: this is way better than leaves
First person to lay on a pillow: ok I smell shit
Gold fish don’t like being pulled out of their tank for a cuddle.
If a deadly alligator appears in the instant after you tell your friends you’ll see them later there is literally no way to warn them
no mom you don’t get it I used “you’re” instead of “your” as a joke to be ironic on the internet. yes I realize it makes me look silly. no mom colleges don’t care about that. they aren’t gonna look at my twitter. ok. ok yes I understand. im sorry I’ll delete it. I love you too
Me: I’m terrified of heterosexuals
Therapist: Wait, let me get this straight –
Me: *explodes into a pile of glitter*
I keep people from talking to me by picking up leaves off the ground and eating them.
Saw pine nuts at the store. I thought about getting some so I could make pesto. But I don’t believe that lie about myself
*plot twist*
plot: ouch!!!
[american civil war]
soldier: god this is terrible I hope no one reenacts this
First date Idea.
We tag team wrestle another couple.
2003: Fear that ppl from the internet will find me in real life.
2013: Fear that ppl from real life will find me on the internet.
welcome to your forties now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder
If I could be in two places at once, I’d be in bed twice.
IF YOU CANNOT HANDLE ME AT MY WORST THAT IS FINE I AM A TERRIFYING AND POWERFUL THING AND ALL SHOULD LIVE IN FEAR
Why does James Bond keep telling people his real name? Worst. Spy. Ever.
BEYONCE: do u like my album
JAY: [thinking to self] if anyone hears this i’ll be ruined
JAY: [out loud] we should make it a tidal exclusive
When I die, please don’t blame the year. Blame the alligator responsible.
“I love Justin Bieber” well I love McDonalds but you dont see me making an account pretending to be a chicken nugget, do you?
When you’re around too many morning people it’s like being in perkytory