For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
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The fact touche and douche don’t rhyme bothers me.
[desert island]
me: look!
wife: what?
me: a boat!
wife: HEEEEEELP!me: *writing* day 287, she’s still afraid of boats
Letting your friend have the last mozzarella stick is the ultimate snackrifice
I bet a woman found that F35 and it was exactly where she said it would be.
My therapist: try working on your active listening skills
Me: goes home and binges Peaky Blinders with no subtitles
My new favourite people are the Americans who complain about the air quality while chuffing on vapes all day.
Today I noticed there is a newish gym right across the street from my office and thought “hey maybe I would work out between meetings” so I googled it. $230 a month. I laughed and laughed and laughed. Enough that it was probably an ab workout.
“thank you all for coming to my crisis” i say as i turn to face everyone in the elevator
I made a rabbit stew last night. My husband complained there was a hare in it.
How to be happier:
1. Exercise
2. Lift weight3. When you’ve become stronger due to those exercises, smack the person who made you unhappy.
Me: Sir, is this corn maze GMO free?
Him: It’s five dollars.
Love is taking a picture of your husband holding up a fish at the fish market
– my wife: I’m not doing that
What do the movies Titanic and the Sixth Sense have in common? I see dead people. Get it? Icy dead people?
Happy Dad Joke weekend
The dude at the airport parking lot turned on the heated steering wheel in our car we’ve owned for 2+ years and I have no idea how to turn it off. I didn’t even know we had a heated steering wheel.
Airlines trust I can operate an emergency door and usher hundreds of passengers to safety but think I need step by step instructions on buckling a seatbelt.
Imagine the conversations between
the fly on the wall and the elephant
in the room after everyone leaves.
You dance so good girl. Hell yes. That looks great. You are a flower swaying with the wind. Do the running man.
-Alcohol
Hey, have you two seen my Vodka? I left it right here?
You strike me as one of those people who show up and debunk all the fun in the last 2 minutes of an otherwise scintillating UFO TV program.
This guy gets it.
MURDERER: [looking for me] You better of hidden well or you’re dead
ME: [under bed, tears in my eyes] It’s better HAVE
I hate when that happens.
[5 mins after being stranded on an island with a group of people]
Me: who do we eat first
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
If you’re a twin you should have to tell people when you first meet them. By law. I have the right to know if there’s going to be more than one of you running around. What are you trying to pull?
“Chicks dig a bad boy,” I say as I write ‘POOPIE’ in crayon all over her bedroom walls.
You’re not a real teacher until a student shares with you that your fly has been down most of the class period.
Doc: So, where does it hurt?
Pirate: In me chest, I think its me hearty.
Yesterday I called a store to see if they were open and, as soon as they picked up, I knew they were, but had to follow through with what was by then a really stupid question.
FYI –
Lisa on FB has cramps but is still going to yoga.I’ll keep you all posted.