If I had a time machine, I’d go back and make better mistakes.
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[First Date. Full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
New Joker looks like he has the Memento disease and needs a bunch of tattoos to remind him he’s the Joker.
Spiders: Nature’s reminder that you are, in fact, a little girl.
Gift cards are another way of saying, don’t spend this on dope.
BAND: How’s everyone doing tonight!!
[crowd goes nuts]
ME (standing in the middle, normal voice): Ok I guess. Kinda tired.
Me: Welcome back to Fishin’ with Jesus. We only caught two fish so far-
Jesus: [standing on water] Count those fish again *winks at camera*
[first date]
Date: how much do you drink a week?
Me: Haha, I don’t even answer that at my check up.
Date: right.. Let’s do shots.
Me: i love shots.
Date, pulling off glasses to reveal my Doctor: gotcha
5’s excuse for not going to sleep last night was that he has the hiccups.
He didn’t hiccup.
He didn’t fake-hiccup.
He just stated that he “has the hiccups”.
Facebook: Hey remember this pic of your dog that died?
Me: Damnit Facebook not now.
FB: Sorry…
FB: Your ex girlfriend is getting married.
birds and squirrels envy us
Nothing takes longer than a kid telling you a joke they just made up.
my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?
st. peter: that’s right
me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say
Someone told me they don’t wear a mask cuz their nose is too big. Give me a break. I wear underwear.
ME: [spotting Diane across the room] Diane!
ANNE: ARE YOU THREATENING ME?!
I’ve got chicken fingers and a McRib, a few more parts and my monster will be complete.
3 wishes for when I find a genie:
1. The more I eat the skinnier I get
2. One kid grows up to be a pharmacist
3. Other kid owns a winery
Me: Sometimes I like to relax under a shady tree and read a book.
Tree: THAT WAS MY SON!
April 1st is the class clown of days.
[walks date home]
HER: Wanna come up for a nightcap?
ME: I gotta work early
HER: I have 2 dogs
ME:[already running up stairs like Rocky]
When you drive by a cop car and wonder if you did rob a bank and just forgot about it
Sex so good you see dead people.
Me: Bless you honey
4yo: Daddy I didn’t sneeze I coughed
Me: Well bless you anyway
4yo: NO
This guy would have upwards of 50k followers on this site, and his tweets would be absolutely insane
I never realized how many “favorite” coffee mugs I had until other people tried to use them.
Went for a handshake and got snubbed. So I turned it into an impromptu Macarena dance, since I didn’t wanna look stupid
Are black guys the ones with big dicks?
Because if so, I think I might be a black guy.
BOSS: I need to see you in my office
ME: *I begrudgingly take off my invisibility cloak* oh alright
6yr old: (screaming in terror) there’s a giant spider in the bathroom!!!!!!!!
Daddy: I’ll get it. (Runs in bathroom). Don’t worry, he’s dead now.
6yr old: YOU KILLED HIM???? (Falls to the floor, sobbing)
[about to have sex]
her: put on this blindfold
me: I think a condom would be safer