The urge to say “yeah you should do that”, especially when you have no clue.
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One thing they don’t tell you is, as a parent, your chances of dying by a T-Rex are greater than zero
The spider I just killed with a napkin isn’t in the napkin, and now I’m in a circle of salt reciting incantations.
Her: What’d you just eat?
Me: Leftover porkchop.
Her: Ok but what’s that sauce?
Me: The sauce that you made to go with the pork chops.
Her: That’s not the sauce… I don’t know what you found in the fridge…WebMd: You’re gonna die.
Who dies surrounded by friends. Hey Mike come over I’m dying
Me: yeah so I think that Mario didn’t even care about saving the princess, he just really hated turtles
Game theory professor: w- what
What this place needs is a revival of the narrator tweets.
Narrator: No, that’s the last thing this place needs.
if HBO wants me to watch a Game Of Thrones spin off I want a personal apology for season 8. 12 pt font, double spaced, no funny business on the margins
Just as the siren’s song lures sailors to their doom on the rocks, the ding of the microwave calls the unwitting to destroy the roof of their mouth on the molten cheese of the Hot Pocket.
me: [breaks long awkward silence] “so what do you do for a living?”
taxi driver: [just looks at me]
ME: Got here as fast as I could! I have the anecdote!
HIM [dying of snakebite]: Please say you mean antidote
ME: Funny story! This one time—
ME: *whispering to date as symphony orchestra begins playing beethoven’s 5th* can you believe a dog wrote this
Interviewer: It says on your resume “attention to detail”
Me: Uh huh.
Interviewer: And right below that it says “attention to detail”
When your wife asks you to dig
a hole for her shrub-She’ll feel threatened if you make
it large enough to hold a body.I know this now.
Where do cicadas go when they’re not screaming? I’d like to go there and scream.
You know who DOES see something wrong with a little bump n’ grind?
Trevor in human resources.
Wife: Sarah’s husband gives her flowers EVERY day. I wish you’d do that!
Me: uh ok[next day]
Me *giving Sarah flowers* no I don’t get it either
My 5 year old just hugged me and said, “Thank you for promising to sleep in my bed with me tonight, Mommy” and that’s why you don’t answer any questions before coffee in the morning
Can’t, I’m about to turn 50 and my lower back is almost 83.
I had two mice from the local church at my door last night.
They wanted to talk to me about cheeses
Disney say they’re going to make Mickey Mouse’s hands smaller for “realism”.
Well, not on my watch.
Surely these children should be in bed by now?
– me, anytime after 4pm
this november isn’t novembering the way previous novembers, novembered.
GF (from 2nd floor window): either the trampoline goes or I go!
ME: It
…was
…nice
…knowing
…you
Why is no one talking about this?!
Times I’ve served soup with my ladle: 0
Times I’ve been prevented from opening/closing a drawer by my ladle: 18,971
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
There can be a guy with neck tattoos and a knife in his hand on the bus and I will still be the last person anyone sits next to.
Apparently “this house is a prison” wasn’t the right thing to say when my husband made me get out of bed this morning.
He just always looks at me like I’ve wronged him
Hate it when I tell a guy something deeply intimate and personal and he’s all, “Ma’am, does that complete your order?”