STOP FLIRTING WITH YOUR UNCLE AT YOUR WEDDING WITH YOUR COUSIN #HouseOfTheDragon
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God I hate kids.
And people.
And animals.
And sardines.
And stuff that’s alive.
And stuff that’s dead.
I hate stuff.
I like cheese.
Why do drugs after 30 when you can just stand up too fast?
The worst thing about owls is the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.
I plan the silliest murders in my dreams because all I have to do to get away with it is wake up.
Kids will talk literally all day and then go mute when you try to introduce them to someone.
Watched my kid experience his first deep eye rub, like yeah, kid, get it. Do it til you see shapes.
I’m a regular guy just like you. I put my pants on one leg at a time while thinking about how far I could throw each kind of bird while it sleeps.
First zoom call: wears business casual, styles hair, places orchid in view of camera
Latest zoom call: Holding a beer at 9am, wearing Biore strip, blood on shirt, do not know whose
*hands a turd to the teacher
Teacher: What’s this?!
Me: My dog ate my homework.
Was getting into my electric car and a dude was like “I’ve heard those are worse than normal cars for the environment.”
“Oh yeah, way worse. That’s why I got it.”Just agree with people. They have nowhere to go.
I do my best yoga when I’m trying to reach an M&M that rolled under my desk.
Interviewed a Canadian.
She has a Canadian accent & boobs.
She’s HIGHLY unqualified for the job.
She’s CANADIAN…& BOOBS. I hired her.
Leo: *names his child Oscar*
Doctor: “Would you like to hol-”
Leo: “Say it like we rehearsed it.”
Doctor: *sighs* “And the Oscar goes to…”
Me: Evil never sleeps
Daughter: STOP CALLING ME THAT
My sister made pancakes and after devouring 5 of them, she tells me
“It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist” 🙆🏾♀️🙆🏾♀️
BREAKING: DirecTV subscribers lose The Weather Channel over fee dispute. Luckily, subscribers will keep windows, which they can look out of.
If you do happen to find the house giving out the drugs you should give me the address and I’ll most definitely report it to the proper authority people
ACME gave a credit card to Wile E. Coyote with no credit history, just so he could capture a bird. This is why banks need to be regulated.
Sorry Mormons, but I don’t trust any religion that believes you can handle three wives while drinking zero beers
After he loses, everyone who supported Trump should have to spend a year on an island where he gets to make all the decisions.
You going to eat those sausages?
– What?
The encased meats. Do you want them?
– Those are my fingers.
Oh, no thanks, I’m not there yet.
I enjoy long walks away from the scene of the crime.
Ohhh so you don’t hate peaches. You just hate peaches that aren’t on MY plate. Got it.
– Me, to the 5 yr old
[interview to be a valet]
me: hi nice to meet you i’m parker
interviewer: you’re hired
Weird how tea bags come with that little fuse sticking out of them—I’ve lit hundreds of them over the years but only a handful have ever exploded
[showing a picture of a very healthy person to my doctor] I was thinking something a bit like this
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.
Please. Old people. When you comment on a Facebook pic you don’t need to end with Love, James. WE CAN SEE YOUR NAME YOU’RE NOT AN OSTRICH
My boyfriend is not like other guys. He wants to date me