Aquarius: This week you’re feeling crafty. How many household items can you turn into a shank?
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Other Whole Foods customer: In this light I can’t make out the color of this cheese. What color is this? I want something to serve with figs.
Lionel Richie: Yellow. Is it brie you’re looking for?
Tomorrow’s goal is to double my water intake by having two sips.
Breaking news:
911: Whats ur emergency?
“OMG my neighbours cat is stuck on the roof-”
911: Ma’am, this is an emergency only service-
“-of my sons mouth.”
you know you drank too much when you wake up and your liver is on the pillow next to you crying.
Chicago pizzerias be like hi would you like a slice of soup?
*quits Twitter to spend time with family*
*remembers what family is like*
*quits family for Twitter*
My wife tricked me into looking at her to-do list by leaving it on the kitchen counter inside a Victoria’s Secret bag.
The one night I drag the lawn chair into the yard, I see a neighbor I haven’t seen in 3 years and she has a shovel. Is this how it all ends?
I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though
Parallel parking reality show. Get on that.
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me check
*laptop blows away*
Pretty close.
If I’m gonna pay $300 for a name brand purse it better come with a mini fridge, steaks, and a new tv
Subway sandwich employee said he wears the gloves “cuz the meat stings.”
[first date]
“You’re not into anything weird right?”
-not at all
*gestures to my ferret army to fall back*
One of my firmly-held beliefs is that every one of us has driven off with something on our roof that wasn’t supposed to be there, and another is that we’ve all seen a car in traffic with coffee, a briefcase, or a purse on the roof and wondered what kind of idiot does that.
According to some “experts” called “doctors”…
You can wake up without a hangover if you don’t drink the night before.
Whatever.
“Why do you wanna work at Clickbait Enterprises?”
Here’s 10 reasons why I should get the job
“ok”
Number 7 will shock you
“You’re hired”
First they make you step on the scale, and then they announce your weight out loud. It’s like the assistants at the doctor’s office don’t know anything about women.
Wife *returns home* anyone called?
Me: yeah, 5 called the baby an idiot.
Something our American friends may not know about us Canadians: all 38 million of us know each other
The more dinner parties you host for your family of porcelain dolls, the more real their laughter and conversations become…but they still won’t pick you up at the airport.
George Michael: I hope you like it
me: *opening gift* oh… your heart, umm… you shouldn’t have
[the very next day]
me: does anyone want this, I’m just giving it away
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
Preacher: He who lives by the sword shall die by the sword
Me: *sweating*
My neighbor (who is an actual sword): *glares at me from the end of the pew*
Documentaries not only expand my world views, but also compel me to change my behavior for a solid 24-36 hours.
One of my kids hates the smell of melted cheese, so naturally my other kid is going through a nachos only phase.
My daughter is pissed because I made her miss a forensics club meeting for a dentist appointment and the way she’s staring at me suggests that she’s plotting a way to use her forensic knowledge on me.
[after giving performance of a lifetime]
ME: I only wish… I only wish my dad could see me now
MUFFLED VOICE FROM BEHIND EXTREMELY TALL AUDIENCE MEMBER: I’m sure you did great son