*walks past yoga studio*
*looks in window*
*eyes widen*Awesome. It’s like kindergarten.
*walks into class*
*unrolls mat*
*takes a nap*
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[sinking in quicksand]
me: oh no
wife: we’ll be fine if we just remain still and wait for help
me: ok
[mambo no. 5 starts to play]
me: OH NO
I once watched two guys arguing in sign language.
Either that, or they were both really bad at martial arts.
For Halloween my husband asked me to dress up as a nurse, cause that’s one of his fantasies: That we have health care.
Doesn’t it alarm some of you that when ya leave the house a flock of crows follows everywhere you go.
My son wants a pet pig so if he asks the ham he ate for dinner last week was pterodactyl meat.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to have pizza.
When I laugh on my period
the court clerk in surfer court: do you swear to tell the truth & nothing but the truth & refrain from telling stories that are grody to the max, so help you god?
me, with my right hand in the air & my left hand on a ham sandwich: totally
“Okay, try putting it in reverse.”
He asked me to do something freaky in the bedroom so I stayed awake for two days
Good is the enemy of great.
Sponge is the enemy of math.
Metaphysics is the enemy of Walmart.
COP: Freeze!!!
EXCEL: LOL no problem
Husband: My mom will be over in 30 minutes.
Me: *immediately starts cleaning the kitchen*
Husband: *immediately starts cleaning the one closet nobody goes in*
[Charlie Brown running up and just booting Hey Arnold in the head]
Genie: I’ll give you more wishes, I feel bad for you
Me: [with 3 ice cream cones on the ground] That’s very nice of you
I am Australian, hear me pronounce aluminum the correct way
mom: everyone has to learn to swim
kid: even jesus?
mom: of course
jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* lying’s a sin, brenda
I just wish I was rich enough to be able to throw all of the pots and pans away after I cook.
i think muppets being in horror movies would be better than the original: a thread
(Indian wedding)
White friend: OMG that’s so spicy!Me: First of all, it’s a glass of water.
FDA has lowered the buying age for Plan B to 15. If you’re younger than that, you’re not responsible enough so shut up and have your baby.
Dog 1: *whispering* you got any drugs?
Dog 2: who said that? Are you a spider?
Friend is being kicked out of his flat that has a garden because the landlord wants to charge much, much higher rent. Friend has carefully removed every single thing he planted. Landlord: “it’s worth more with all the f***ing plants, how am I meant to get more rent now?!”
*Wakes up*
“Wow I feel pretty good”
*Moves body*
“Maybe I spoke too soon”
My husband asked me yesterday what I would do with my time if money was no object, and apparently “buy out a Target and sit on top of my hoard like a manic-depressive dragon” was an incorrect response so idk.
ON THE INTERNET : Ughh.. I hate people so much..
APPLYING FOR JOB : I love working with people and I am very sociable
Not all crimes are bad. For example: If there was a crow sized hole in a bank vault & a crow decided to sneak into the vault to bring me a shiny coin, every day, for years… This would be good actually.
got my gf a manicure for our anniversary
Remember, ladies, when you’re taking those selfies, the camera adds like 10 cats.
Judge: State your name.
Me: Not Guilty
Judge: What?
Me: I had it legally changed.
Judge: You’re Not Guilty?
Me: *moonwalks outta there*