How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murder for him? I can’t even get two kids to brush their teeth.
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my wife: “we should go to that buffet where you slipped on fettuccine alfredo you spilled while running to the cheese fountain”
me: “you’ll have to be more specific”
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
[bank]
I’d like to pay this into my account
[empties pockets full of cat teeth]
OMG I’m so sorry [takes card back] that’s the wrong account
My therapist advised me to feed and water my kids and cook my plants 3 meals a day.
And something about listening.
Hubs: You can play outside for 5 more minutes as long as you don’t throw a tantrum when I tell you to come in.
6yo: I might not throw a tantrum. Or I might throw a little tantrum. I don’t know. We’ll see.
Keanu Reeves, sure, but then Keanu comes back a rittle bit rater.
Well, that didn’t work.
captain: any leads in the diarrhea case
detective: nothing solid
Why are holiday dinners always so early. “Come over dinner is at 1 o’clock”
I’d love to put a timer on how long it takes you to turn the conversation back to you but my stopwatch app doesn’t do tenths of a second.
Doctor: You have athletes foot
Me: Omg awesome, when do I get the whole body?
King: and you’re sure ALL the horses are helping, right?
King’s man: [watching a dozen horses smash eggshells into dust with their hooves] define helping
People with Swiss bank accounts are often confused between their Bank balance and the Back Account number.
Family: Why would you get tattoos? They’re expensive and painful to get and they are PERMANENT!
Also family: Have a baby 🙂
hitman: [about to jump out of my closet]
me: [walks in wearing nothing but a cowboy hat] alexa play dancing queen
hitman:
Wedlock even sounds like a threat.
All the observable evidence suggests that, if I was much worse at my job, I’d be more likely to get a promotion to senior management.
{me trying to sound cool in front of my son’s friends} ‘sup bruhs tell your moms i said yeet
*shows up at your work*
“Hi, it’s me. From the internet.”
5: You forgot my night-light! It keeps monsters away.
Me: If a monster wants to get you, a 4 watt bulb won’t stop him. Good night, Sweetie.
wife: you need to put the dog down
me: [challenges dog to rap battle}
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
How many feet away from a tragedy do you need to be before its ok to snack?
My kids are really competing for least favorite today.
My sleeping pills say don’t mix with alcohol, but drop it in the glass and it dissolves just fine. Doctors think they know everything.
Twitter should disable deleting tweets and add a regret button instead.
Is not cake Is cake
But IS cake But is NOT cake
Wife: honey the kitchen really needs an update
Me: consider it done love
*hanging this year’s calendar on the fridge*
DEVIL: You shall stay forever young, but this picture of you will bear the marks of your sin!
DORIAN: Can I hide it?
DEVIL: Well, yes, but—
DORIAN: And there are no other consequences?
DEVIL: This… This picture will become so foul!
DORIAN: Again, probably I’ll hide the picture.
Announcer: In one corner, her will to live. In the other corner, her sanity. Let’s get ready to crumblllllllle