“You know, your ex-wife was trash! I never liked her.”
“We’re still married, Grandma.”
“She’s such a lovely girl.”
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Me: Pork chops, in a sherried cream sauce, with roasted garlic and dried chanterelles.
Her: So cream of mushroom soup.
Me: Basically
In the ranking of country’s that drinks the most America is only #4. We need to fix this. Someone fix me a drink and help get us to #1.
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
What if we made sidewalks into trampolines? Fun and springy to walk on, and if someone looks at you wrong you can always bounce them into tomorrow.
Me: I have the body of a pro wrestler.
Her: OMG I love The Rock.
Me: Oh, totes, but what are your feelings on sumo?
If she steals your hoodie she likes you, if she steals your car she’s a thief
Them: Sex without marriage is a sin.
Me: Well, technically, I am married, just not to him.
Friend: if you could have dinner with any person living or dead who —
Me: — what kind of dessert would there be
Absence does not make the heart grow fonder.
Unless you’re talking about Oreos.
* has cake for breakfast
* can’t finish afternoon run/calls an Uber
* blames running shoes
If alcohol has calories and calories are energy then cocktails are energy drinks
Why aren’t there new pasta shapes? We should be treating pasta shapes like iPhones, there should be a keynote every year.
Has anyone tried putting all the Wordle answers together to see if they spell out a warning
Wife: What is this?
Me: The grocery list
W: I know, but you replaced “bread” with “beer”
Me: Almost all the ingredients are the same. Hon, if we’re going to move forward as a team we can’t let semantics stand in our way
dates 1-4: let me tell u about my extremely normal hobbies and interests
date 5: i don’t think the moon is real
I can already feel that the day is going to seize me instead of the other way around
My whole life I would put old bananas in the trash but when I got married I learned that first they go in the freezer to sit for a long time and then they go in the trash.
stop being so defensive i am just trying to hit you with weapons
If I win Poweball we’re all gonna have a party with SOOO much cocai…cake!
[table of 6 year olds in lab coats]
How are we supposed to find a cure for cooties if we
*bangs fist on table*
CAN’T EVEN FIND WALDO?!
Watching a BBC series on surgery, and all the orthopaedic surgeons are like “actually it’s a very sophisticated specialism, of profound delicacy and complexity”
and then there’s this guy:
I put energy drinks in the hummingbird feeder. It’s for science.
My doctor told me if I was 5″ taller I’d be at the ideal weight, so I’m going to try and give that a shot.
Your mask is a bit different, but you are one of us now
You guys beat up on Catholicism, but any time you need an exorcism, there you are dialing up the rectory.
ME: I think I have coronavirus, every morning I wake up aching and sick. It usually goes away by the afternoon, but the next day same thing.
FRIEND: It’s a hangover. You’re drinking 2 bottles of wine a night in quarantine.
ME: My God… wine causes the coronavirus!
This flower shop also sells shirts at the front counter but the display is so large that you can’t see the florist for the T’s.
Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah…..
Anchor:Actress Zooey Dechanel has murdered an entire town
Co-Anchor:Lol who murders a whole town
A:So quirky
C:Haha America’s sweetheart