My 22 yr old was listening to Baby Shark yesterday and the song is still stuck in my head. So I get it, moms of toddlers, I really doo doo, doo doo doo doo.
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Thank god my brother’s getting his PhD, I was running out of ways to disappoint my parents.
One of my husband’s friends added me on Snapchat and I thought it was weird so I started a group chat for the three of us. 😂😇
🎶Summer lovin’, had me a blast
Summer lovin’ is especially sweaty🎶
Being fat is when you watch Jurassic Park and wonder if dinosaur tastes good.
You don’t love me. You just love my Looney Tunes jean jacket
“Get a load of this guy!”- Receptionist at a sperm bank.
Replying to all emails with “ya think?”.
If you can’t beat them
Just try sunny side up
Marvin stared at the painting of his great grandfather, who had survived two wars, worked three jobs to support his fourteen children, and eventually died saving a box full of kittens from a fire, and thought to himself, “You know, if I knocked that over, I could sleep on it.”
PICASSO: She had one eye on her forehead, and her nose was on the side of her face
COP: Maybe someone else should describe the suspect
Today is the birthday of Erwin Schrödinger, best known for being the world’s worst cat sitter.
“IT’S 3AM! TIME FOR SPRINTS!” – Cats
Jesus: hey cheer up it’s nearly FriYAY!
judas: actually know what, I’m good now
Scuba instructor: Sharks can sense blood in a 2 mile radius.
*everyone turns to glare at me as I floss for the first time this year*Me: What?
🍛
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
I hate when boxing announcers say a boxer is “down for the count.” I don’t care that he loves Dracula I just want to know who’s winning.
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk.
[trying something new]
Me: I might mess this up.
Friend: Believe in yourself.
Me (determined): I WILL mess this up.
Hey “La La Land” remember when you gave us that fake happy ending and then took it away
How’s it feel
Me: When I was lying in bed, I found this huge lump. I need it removed.
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s your husband.
Me: And your point is…?
Science memes
#OnMyPetsChristmasList
More red dots please
Telling my Gen Z coworker that I have email addresses older than her was not the flex I thought it would be
[Commercial]
*Camera focuses on a man choking on a whole apple*
Narrator: “If only there was a better way?”
[On Screen Caption]
TEETH
Why is he not as excited to meet me? 🙁
Wife: [on phone]
Me: Who are you calling?
Wife: The fire department.
Me: Why?
Wife: I need a permit to light your birthday candles.
why’s it called Top Gun when the guns are on the bottom of the plane
The definition of insanity is me trying to dance like 80s Madonna when I couldn’t dance like 80s Madonna in the 80s.