A shocking amount of parenthood is knowing which kid you’ll need to keep out of jail.
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Don’t you just hate it when you’re in the middle of crafting a great tweet but then you get rudely interrupted and lose your train of thought?
Passenger in car: OMG WATCH OUT
Her: (Sigh) How did you burn the Thanksgiving Turkey?
Me: I followed the directions. 20 minutes a pound at 325 degrees. I weigh 175 pounds!
Army guy: sniper in the clock tower, 6 o’clock
Me [seeing the time on the clock tower says 5 o’clock]: we’ll worry about him in an hour then
Flight attendant: You’re sitting by the emergency door. Will you be able to open it if necessary?
Me, having just put lotion on my hands: *sweats profusely*
Where’s my cell?
“Right there.”
That’s not my phone.
“Yes it is. I cleaned it!”
My cell’s white?
mountain lion attacks are on the rise. especially in california. be prepared!
judge: objection sustained. will counsel please rephrase the question.
me: alright, which *specific* Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle would you make out with and why?
[dinner party]
GUEST: so what are your thoughts on euthanasia?
ME: [mouth full of mashed potatoes] I am against youths everywhere.
Orion’s belt? Waist of space!
[on a plane]
Stewardess: “Would you like a mint? It’ll help your ears during takeoff”
Me: “Sure, can I have two?”
*puts one in each ear*
Sweet dreams are made of cheese. Who am I to diss a brie. I cheddar the world and the feta cheese.
Is that a burrito in your pocket or are you happy to see me?
I’m cool if it’s a burrito.
Just did the math and found out I can retire next year if I start saving $144,468.02 a month.
Imagine going on a date with someone holding a fish in their dating profile picture and when you get to the restaurant it’s just a salmon sitting there waiting
To be clear, when I say “let’s get it on”, I’m talking about the two-person horse costume.
A man who pretends to be rich in order to attract pretty, young women is not a “Sugar Daddy”.
He’s an artificial sweetner.
*i before e except after c.
Unless you’re an 8yo heir planning a heist to seize a surveillance sleigh owned by a sheik at a reindeer farm.
Seth Rogen and James Franco having their movie pulled due to terrorist threats sounds like the plot of a Seth Rogen and James Franco movie.
Doctor: I’m going to listen to your lungs so just breathe normal.
Me: Well now you’ve made THAT nearly impossible.
detective: looks like the victim was pushed into the pond, let’s go pull him out
[ducks under the police tape]
detective: and get these ducks outta here
What happens when the in-flight movie stars Adam Sandler.
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
Me: Alexa, did you hear what Siri just said about you?!
Alexa: Hold my beer!!!
If you try to teach me a lesson I will flunk on purpose, how dare you
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
thinking about how the Starbucks mermaid is slowly, but surely, getting closer, and we cannot stop her
Sometimes u see the moon during the day and it’s like, wow, how embarrassing. Showed up early because you were bored? Get a life, nerd moon.
If insanity is doing the same thing over & over and expecting different results, I must be sane cause I don’t even like doing things once.
me: check out that beach body
other forensic detective: stop calling it that