I lose bobby pins in my hair. Please don’t ask me to babysit your kids.
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I’m putting off having kids mainly because I’m not ready to be 9 months sober.
caller: listen carefully–we have a hidden camera in your hotel room. you need to…
me: pay you money? smuggle drugs???
caller: cover it up. and would a little cardio kill you?
On the first day of Christmas my 2yo gave to me…
A cold that will last all week
I got fired from my job as a taxidermist for rolling my eyes.
replaced my gf’s couch with a trampoline and man she hit the roof
I got the Pfizer vaccine and pso pfar pno pside effects.
Got thrown out of Joann Fabrics for asking for wife material.
Back to work after the long holiday weekend, so you’re finally away from the relatives you don’t like, and back with the co-workers you don’t like
Summer is the best because there’s always a chance I’ll see someone trip on their own flip flop
WHAT DO WE WANT!?
A forum for passive aggressive behavior!
WHEN do we want it?
NOW would be great but you seem busy sooo whatever.
Oh no I got so excited that you texted me that I accidentally replied 11 thousand times and then swung into your house on a rope
Most drug-sniffing dogs refuse to admit they have a problem
“I’m so hungry I could eat a-”
*walks by burger joint*
“nope, had one yesterday”
*walks by hot dog stand*
“closer”
*walks by stable*
“HORSE”
I believe you cannot save people, you can only just love them. Which is probably why my job as a lifeguard didn’t last long.
“You know who James Earl Jones looks like? William Shatner. Or Katy Perry.”
– My kid, who has apparently seen none of these people
Sober or not if the police ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
Me: did you leave out the cookies for Santa?
My Kid: yes.
Me: and the milk?
My Kid: yup!
Me: and the waiver for Santa to sign holding us harmless in the event of food poisoning?
My Kid: (sigh) yes.
Dating tip for ladies: some guys will be scared off if you don’t wait until the third date before asking him to murder your husband.
Having a panic attack thinking about how there’s somebody in Australia standing directly under me
When an old lady dies and then her husband dies a couple of weeks later, it isn’t because his heart is broken. It’s because he can’t cook.
BARISTA: Thanks for coming. Enjoy your coffee!
ME: Thanks. You too!
BARISTA: You too? Oh no. Not again.
*pours ninth cup of coffee for the day and drinks it while excitedly sobbing
So when she enters, just start playing & then she’ll NEVER accuse me of being boring in the bedroom again, got it?
Naked Mariachi Band: SÍ
We can put a robot on Mars but we can’t make a hand rail that goes the same speed as an escalator.
It started with a star and ended with a restraining order.
If you ever see a get rich quick scheme, that’s someone else trying to get rich quick off you.
Sitting here eating blueberries
wondering if my brain is improving
Doubt it…..
took too long to spell doubt
Found a potato way under my kid’s bed and I’m not even surprised, just relieved it’s not that old of a potato
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: THERE’S WRAPPING PAPER EVERYWHERE
DOG 911: for you to tear up and eat?
DOG: NO THEY’RE THROWING IT ALL AWAY
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
[the city, seeing a marching band]
DAD: Son when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten and the damned?
ME: i’m 6