I hope the guy who just cut me off in traffic goes to that hotel in the shining and opens the elevator and it’s just filled with hot dog water
You Might Also Like
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when someone wasn’t getting to the point.
It should’ve been a red flag when my ex told me that he got his futon mattress/bed out of a dumpster, but then I married him for 20 years.
*Door creaks open*
*Faces lean in*Wife: They need more lunch money.
9: And money for the book fair.
17: And gas money.
13: And can you sign this permission slip?Me, from the commode: Guys… can any of this wait ten minutes?
China spy balloon:
“We’re trying to contact you about your car’s extended warranty.”
*teenage girl breaks pencil*
“I CAN’T EVEN WRITE NOW!”
Me: 3 miles today.
Him: On the treadmill?
Me: No, scrolling on Twitter.
I own workout clothes for the same reason my buddies in high school bought condoms: I like to pretend there’s a chance I’ll need them.
Car commercials grossly overestimate how much time I spend driving around in the desert
When buying presents I like to think, what would Jesus have got you?
So yeh, enjoy your fish sandwich.
As a kid my mom laughed at me because I was always worrying about being shot with a crossbow while on the toilet. Well who’s laughing now?
An ape picks up a bone, contemplates it for a moment, has an idea, strikes his neighbour over the head with a satisfying ‘toc!’. And in that moment is born the xylophone.
[Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
Me: If you bit your brother again, you’re grounded.
Son: But I’m already grounded. WE’RE ALL GROUNDED!!!!!!
Being my friend is great because I will probably make you a lasagna at some point but terrible because I will make you listen to a five hour Spotify playlist
A good relationship is when she is by your side during bad times to tell you that none of this would’ve happened if you had just listened to her.
Sober or not if the police ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
Parkour or plastic? *bounces away with your groceries*
I never use “a lot” or “too much” butter. I use the right amount. Now, hand me my butter shovel.
Day 137 of telling myself I’ll start working out as soon as my [body part] stops hurting
honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren’t a good way to describe emotions
Dr: You have walking pneumonia.
Me: That’s impossible.
Dr: Wha..
Me: I’ve never walked a day in my life.
we’ve all been home together for a solid week now and my 6-year-old has expressed daily outrage about how the wh- in “whole” is different than in “when” and “why” and now i’m mad about it too
Got ya covered
“Je t’aime” = “I love you”
“Je t’anime” = “I love anime”
Daughter: Finally got a workout in today.
Me: Where? The basement?
Daughter: No, up in my room.
Me: What did you do? An obstacle course?
Daughter:
If you take terrible vacations, it’s more exciting coming back home
Her: What do you want to listen to?
Me: You name it…I’m pretty eclectic.
Her: Great…I have Amazon music.
Me: Actually I’m not really into the indigenous stuff.
Her:
He challenged me to eat just one chip.
So I had two. Dozen.
ME: I give you all my love and infection.
HIM: Um. Don’t you mean love and ‘affection’?
ME: …
HIM: …
ME: You should get tested.
r/relationships
I (36m) met my girlfriend (32f) at the exact moment after i sucked helium from a balloon to do a funny voice for a buddy. now weve been together 8 months & Im constantly having to suck helium from balloons when shes not looking because she thinks that’s my voice