I’m glad humans don’t do the combo breed names like Labradoodle. I wouldn’t want to tell people I’m Germish.
You Might Also Like
DATE: I’m really into *bites lip & lowers voice* S&M
ME: Well, I *trails finger sexily across the table* like all of the letters
*Emerging from a ten year coma*
Dad: Well look who finally got up
Things Ted Cruz and I have in common:
1. Love butter
2. Shy eyes
3. Resurrected from the grave during satanic bloodmoon ritual
4. Brown hair
I know I sound like a broken record but tomorrow I’ll sound like a misfiring engine and, next week, continuous loud television static.
My wife just sighed from the other room, which can only mean one of 1,850 things.
ME: *posing nude for a painter*
GUY PAINTING MY HOUSE: please sir…I have a family.
Breaking news:
My 13yo son pays monthly for Snapchat+ so he can get a better Bitmoji and I would probably make fun of this if I hadn’t previously paid for Favstar
*cocks gun*
Me: “Go ahead.”
Horse: “Just be cool, man.”
Me: “DRINK.”
Horse: “No problem. It’s just a stupid expression.”
Her (gently shaking me awake): “Did you know you grind your teeth in your sleep?”
Me (removing mouth guard): “Firstly, yes that’s why I wear this.
Secondly, you shouldn’t be talking to me now.
And thirdly, you need to get back behind the yellow line when I’m driving this bus.”
You know what’s worse than someone’s phone alarm playing the tune over and over? Someone else who starts whistling along.
[During sex]
Her: That fan of yours is loud and distracting
Me: It helps me in bed
Fan: *clapping approvingly* Yeah bro WORK THOSE HIPS
Most people don’t know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds.
All I wanna do is
*BANG BANG BANG*
And *cash register noise*
And eat some hummus
Stop saying ‘happy anniversary to my partner in crime.’
You do not commit crimes. You shop at Costco
*laughs all the way to the bank*
*cries all the way back*
[Outside court]
Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?
: Odd
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: forgetting everyone‘s name immediately after we met
Professor whatshisname: get out
To the person that stole my glasses.
I will find you, I have contacts.
No you shut up 😂🥳
[FIRST DATE]
Him: “I love science-fiction.”
Me, trying to impress him: “I think the earth is flat.”
Currently being yelled at by my sour patch 5yo daughter for “not playing Barbies right” bc I decided to make mine a 9-year-old girl from Brooklyn who sounds like she has smoker’s lung and lives above a pizzeria.
Mafia Boss: You wearin’ a wire?
Me: “Wire” you asking me that? lol get it[the rest of this tweet takes place on the bottom of a river]
I don’t even like sleep, it’s just the only way I can eat spiders
I decided to tell the kids that Santa is made up but nighttime home invasions are very very real.
A duv-egg? In this economy?
It’s okay if you didn’t notice that I switched my beard trimmer’s setting from 6 to 5. The difference is stubble.
My eyesight is just terrible since having kids. I’m always seeing double. It’s a nightmare!
Optometrist: Ma’am you have identical twins…
Dad: relax kids, no monkey business in a nice restaurant
[table over]
Monkey 1: *slams briefcase shut, stands up*
Monkey 2: not worth it man
I decided to clean my closet and found a tangled necklace so i spent the next 30min untangling it and then took a well deserved 2hr break
I’m too immature for adultery.