My wife said I need to grow up.
I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
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Facebook Uncles 600 years ago would just be like ‘ya but Vlad The Impaler has some really strong job numbers’
[therapy]
me: I’m really trying to change
therapist: that’s great
me: I want to be become a different person
therapist: how
me: *squeezes eyes closed* telekinesis
therapist: no
Her: The next person that tells me to smile is not gonna know what hit them.
Wedding Photographer: and if you could all look at the camera…
HR: In the kitchen, you wrote “Say hello to my lil dough friends”
Me: They were donut holes
HR: You also wrote “I know it was you, free dough- you broke my heart”
Me: Yes. Am I in trouble?
HR: Of course not. We’d like to promote you from Janitor to VP Marketing
My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks
Hell yeah I wanna save a draft of that unaddressed email with nothing in the body.
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
sweet burn for a programmer would be “hey your user interface looks more like a loser interface”
When I am calculating any risk, I think to myself: is this first cat life behavior? Or ninth cat life behavior?
Road Runner was my favorite cartoon that showed running from your problems works if you’re fast as hell.
FRIEND: I’m tired of being poor. I’m gonna turn to a life of crime
ME: Dude I’m so in. We should steal fine art, or jewelry, or-
THE HAMBURGLAR: Guys, hear me out
everybody’s gangsta until seaweed touches their leg
IMPORTANT:
IF YOU GET A TEXT MESSAGE WITH A LINK THAT SAYS “NSFW SLIM JIM” — DO NOT CLICK IT — IT IS A VIRUS THAT PUTS YOUR KEYBOARD ON CAPS LOCKPLS TELL EVERYONE
[I open my lunchbox to find flask of whisky]
But that means….
[Cut to my 4 y/o opening her lunchbox to find a flask of whisky]
*deletes your contact information*
Siri: Are you sure you really want to do that? You’ve already deleted and re-added this guy 17 times.
[buying house plants] hey wanna come back to my place and die
My Mom has been smelling something burning since 1983.
[throws milk at cows]
go be with your family
DATE: I like your shirt.
ME: Well you can’t have it.
Dear Mario,
I wasted my childhood trying to save your girlfriend 🙂
[Jesus breaks bread]
This is my body[Jesus pours wine]
This is my blood[Jesus brings out Alex Trebek]
and THIS. IS. JEOPARDY.
#ThingsThatAnnoyMe people who do this at school and I’m just like..
The longer you’re a parent the harder it is to act excited when people tell you they’re pregnant.
Death row last meal? Starfish. Eat a leg, it grows back. Sit back and enjoy a long life eating starfish legs in an electric chair.
I saw a guy and a girl doing high fives in a chemistry lab
and I thought, “wow they be bonding.”
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
Me: The company moved.
I: Where?
M: They didn’t tell me.
GOOD COP: cover me!
DAD COP: *tucks him in* snug as a bug
Someone asked me today about my plans for the Fall and it took me a moment to realize she meant the Autumn and not the collapse of civilization.
Years ago, scientists knew barely anything about space! It was probably because those scientists were babies
How to get me to like you:
Be pajamas.