What’s the protocol for objecting at a wedding that you’re a plus one at?
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BECAUSE IT’S A PERVERT
Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.
Sorry I’m late but my goldfish needed a bath.
good morning to everyone except the people who make TV shows that include critical dialogue being messaged between characters which is nearly impossible for the viewers to read
Man, my tummy really hurts, I should probably have another latte and a third and fourth croissant about it
Canadian Army training is 6 weeks of learning how to throw a snowball.
You kids are lucky with your selfies, back in my day we had 27 blind attempts, a 24 hour waiting period and a $15 investment
My stylist cut my bangs too short so now I look like a dreadfully concerned 7 year old.
A black shape emerges from your attic; all you can see are claws. You’ve made $4000 in 30 minutes working from home, but at what cost?
Doctor: so your blood type is-
Vampire: ALL of them
(Hugging)
Me: you smell good. Is that a new cologne?
Him: No, I dropped turkey gravy on my shirt earlier.
Me: That’s a good smell for you. Maybe try a white peppercorn version next time.
Him:
Cute skinny girls wearing weird mismatched clothes: hot quirky hipsters
Me wearing weird mismatched clothes: homeless lady from the 80s
Snakes full of cheese instead of poison would certainly improve the atmosphere at this church.
Don’t tell me how to live my life, box.
I haven’t seen the numbers, but I imagine vampire attacks are way down.
Teacher: You can do anything you set your mind to
[I try to sneak outta class but somehow mess up the pull door twice]
Except maybe that guy
I wonder how long the first person to deliver twins waited before they realized that was the last one
I bought a new cat tree for my cats and they are just having the best time playing in the box it came in.
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
Loving thy neighbour was easier before leaf blowers.
okay, whoever wished for avocado to become “the poor man’s butter” again, put down the monkey paw
[Advert for hiking]
Do you hate walking? Would you like to hate it even more?
I’m so out of shape, Internet Explorer could probably run faster than me.
*at a party*
peter: jesus keeps double dipping his chips. should we say something?
paul: we all saw him walk on water the other day. he brought a guy back from the dead last week. he seems to be in command of some pretty scary powers but, sure, go tell him to stop double dipping.
I like to people-watch, but I’m an advanced people-watcher. When I spot another people-watcher, I like to watch them watching other people.
Remember in your 20s when you sat upright to eat
<At Duel>
“Draw your weapon”
Me: *frantically trying to sketch a bear with gun legs & a shark head.
The Burger King can legally officiate a wedding, but only if the rings are onion rings
A cheese so sharp you have to hand it to people backwards.
Me: [to myself] ok, act cool
Crush: nice weather today
Me: thanks