i spent four months making this so might as well post on twitter too 🧍🏻♀️
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Most women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe, so basically a clown ninja.
Director: so, you’ll be playing this regular guy…
Johnny Depp: no thanks.
God: [creating Guy Fieri] “Hand me a head.”
Angel: We’re out of human heads.
God: “Hand me a pineapple.”
A smartphone that waits 20 seconds after you unlock before showing you notification indicators so it doesn’t distract you from going to do the thing you opened it for in the first place for so long you forget what it was.
The bakery used a white paper bag instead of a brown one like they knew these croissants are prescription.
They say you should do something every day that scares you so I napped without the little pillow between my knees and now my lower back is terrified.
I be hella fake at work using words I never use in my real life like “awesome”
I hate when I’m trying to do shit and I’m married.
The Apple Watch may become so addictive it keeps people from looking at what’s truly important in life, like their iPhones.
yes 911 i need to report a kidnapping. lol yeah there’s a baby goat asleep in my lap. no dont send cops you’ll wake him up
Ate half my sandwich prolly save the other half for later
Him: “So what’s your bedroom number?”
Me: “7”
Him: “oh really?”
Me: “yeah, how many pillows do YOU sleep with?”
If you slowly put your fingers in someone’s mouth, they will quit telling you about their day at work.
If there’s a Supreme Court, there must be a Pepperoni Court and a Cheese Court.
Hubby got all smug when our son asked him for girl advice so I confirmed that if he wants to bag a girl like me then daddy’s the man for the job and shut that shit down
People think they can be snarky to me at work like they don’t realize I have perfume I can wear and fish I can microwave.
Horton Hears a who?
Horton Hears a what?
Horton Hears a huh?
Horton hears a chicka chikca chicka chicka slim shady.
Me: the most important thing when wearing a mask is that it covers your mouth and nostrils
Batman: oh no
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
Must be a very worrying time for anyone who has dumped a body in a reservoir.
Mom, here’s a picture of my bf, he’s a musician
“That’s just the stock image that comes with the frame”
ur wrong, mom. Me and DJ 8×10 are in love
If I had a dollar for anytime a man said he was in love with me I would definitely be homeless
Please quit telling me to “keep up the good work” the good work was an accident and impossible to replicate
“First gay marriage. What’s next – people marrying dogs?!”
*nervous glance at dog
Dog: Frank, we’ve been over this. I like you as a friend
I used to laugh at my neighbour for getting the gender of his dog wrong for years until my cat laid an egg and now I suspect it’s a penguin.
Those plastic bags in the produce department that are so hard to get open are designed to keep your ego in check. Its intentional.
For Halloween I’m giving out razor blades with candy in them. These kids’ll be shaving away and then BAM – nougat everywhere.
held the door for 4 dudes in a row today. not one thank you, not even a hop-skip to get to the door faster. y’all are turning my into a batman-style supervillain so freaking fast
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.