“Chickfila catering?”
“Yes, sir. How big is your party?”
“Party?”
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Dave: I don’t want to sound stupid….
Me: Then stop right there and say nothing.
What if all the cashiers are married?
I’m sorry for the plans I made when I was feeling sociable.
-me canceling my Dr appt
1 in 5 mammals is a bat. Re-examine everything you think you know about your “loved ones.”
just overheard my boyfriend, who works outside all day, describe me to someone as “an indoor cat”
Now that’s a Halloween costume! 🤩
Early this morning a bird was chirping loudly at the same time that my husband was snoring and it was really sort of beautiful how they were pissing me off in harmony.
superhero movie: this already insanely hot person discovers they have numerous additional gifts
me: this is relatable as hell
My favorite Bible stories are where women are villains for things like picking fruit or getting their boyfriend a better haircut.
[ quarantine, day 46 ]
me: this boredom is unbearable
my cat: ffs have you even tried getting into a box too smol for you
Yea…sure! I was hoping someone would come and stand uncomfortably close to me today
Cop1: Has becoming a father affected your work
Cop2: Not a bit
Cop1: Ok cover me, I’m going in
Cop2: HI GOING IN I’M DAD
[both get shot]
WebMD: You have cancer.
Me: No, I feel fine. I clicked you by mistake.
WebMD: And good thing you did… Cuz of the cancer.
I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it’s never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.
You know what really boils my piss? The pissboiler2000 from JML.
Can you fail a drug test from a mosquito bite?
Asking for the next person this mosquito bites.
Good cop: u want a drink?
Good cop 2: I love your shirt
Good cop 3: ur so ripped dude
Good cop 4: the bad cops are striking today, handsome
2012: sorry I did the Macarena at your Anna’s funeral
2014: *does a kickflip* yeah the doctor said it’s not curable
2016: what idiot called it the sun and not a space heater
2019: ok gang here’s a thread on marginal tax rates & how we can use proceeds to fund schools
HER: Wow you look great.
ME: Thanks. I use both my eyes.
If I refer to myself as, “sauced up,” it probably just means I have honey, BBQ and ranch to dip my nuggets in.
I used to think LOL meant lots of love.
Oh! You’re Aunt died? So sorry. LOL!Took me years to rebuild friendships.
Invisible Obama be like “Uhh. Let me be clear”
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
Any animal that has a face CAN SPEAK. They’re just being stubborn.
ME: I’m not the same person I was yesterday. What you’re looking at is a different me.
Passport agent:
Quarantine prank. Be careful what you wish for…😂🤣😭💀💀
mortgage broker: You’ll need proof of stable income.
me: no problem
broker: Where are you currently employed?
me: Spirit Halloween
HANG GLIDER COP: I see a crime happening directly below me
[glides on]
Not much I can do
Sometimes when I’m drunk, I put on a trench coat, lurk around the shadows and pretend I’m the host from Unsolved Mysteries